Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer Review

I was going to watch this movie, but the spine of the DVD case looks identical to that of the first one, so when I took the movie off the shelf to put into my PS3, I accidentally grabbed the first Fantastic Four movie. Which I then watched instead, because as a rule Ben Dick doesn’t try something twice. So I’m doing this review without having actually watched this movie in years. Shouldn’t be a problem, it’s basically just like the first one, right? Except this time they spend the whole time travelling around the world with the military for some reason. And Johnny has that weird thing where he can switch powers with the other three? Remember that? And the Silver Surfer’s in it, I guess. Other than that it’s exactly the same. Same corny jokes, same terrible CGI, same annoying Reid/Sue love story b-plot, same dumb fight with Dr. Doom at the end. And that’s my biggest problem with this movie. They make Doom the bad guy again. Now, I get that much like Magneto in relation to the X-Men, that Doctor Doom is the major adversary of the Fantastic Four, and so when building a film universe, it’s important to give that character a major role to play in all the sequels. But what the X-Men movies did not do was make that role exactly the same in each movie. Doom shouldn’t have been the villain again, he should have been more of a side character, like Magneto in X2, or Loki in Thor: The Dark World. Hell, after fucking up Doom so bad in the first movie they probably would have been better advised to just ditch him altogether and focus the movie on a different character. One like, oh, I don’t know, The Silver Surfer? Or Galactus?! Sure, the giant pink helmet probably would have looked dumb on screen, but a gas cloud was the best you could think of? What about some kind of giant, badass-looking energy monster or something? And then the FF and the SS have to go up against it. Yeah, that’s what this movie SHOULD have been about; Silver Surfer comes to earth, befriends the Fantastic Four, and helps them defeat Galactus. Sounds pretty fucking simple to me. Have Reed like whip of some miracle device to save them at the last second. You know, it could actually feel like the Fantastic Four are supposed to feel. Instead we get the same dumb CGI-energy-explosion-y battle against Doom that we ended the last movie with, proceeded by a directionless montage of poorly thought out action scenes inter-spliced with ridiculously stupid comic relief. I mean, the first one sucked, but at least the franchise had some potential. This one just killed the whole thing. And then pissed on it’s grave.

Overall Rating: Now They’ve Ruined TWO Of Marvel’s Coolest Villains/10

Fantastic Four (2005) Review

Fantastic Four was one of those movies that came out in the wake of the original Spider-Man and X-Men movies. Like Daredevil, of Ghost Rider, or Ang Lee’s Hulk. And like a lot of those movies, it sucked ass. This was one of the ones I liked as a kid, and then as I grew up I sort of realized it sucked. Like a lot of pre-Chris Nolan Batman superhero movies, one of the major problems is that they don’t take the movie seriously at all. It’s just a random collection of bad action sequences and cheesy wink-to-the-audience jokes. It came out in 2005, and unlike the X-Men or Spider-Man films it feels very specific to that time. The song choices and bad CGI date this movie horribly, and while it is great for some 2000′s nostalgia, there’s no real value beyond that in watching this movie today. The cast is decent; I actually really like Chris Evans as the Human Torch. He’s probably the best part of the movie. And his chemistry with Michael Chiklis as the Thing is great. Their love/hate relationship feels like it leapt right off the page. Speaking of the Thing, I actually think the rubber suit looks really awesome. Sure, it’s a little corny, but whatever serious-looking CGI version of him they whip up for the reboot is not going to look as good. In terms of Mr. Fantastic, Ioan Gruffud looks a lot like Reed Richards, but his actual performance is fairly forgettable. The only really glaring flaw in the casting of the main four is Jessica Alba as Sue Storm. The whole point of Sue Storm is to be the quiet librarian type who you don’t realize is hot until she takes her glasses off. And when she does, she has the brain and attitude to command respect beyond her physical appearance. In this movie Jessica Alba has none of that intelligence or gravitas and is just kind of there to be hot. Insulting. Sexist. Demeaning. What else is new in Hollywood? But I could probably forgive all of that and call it fun in a shitty way if it wasn’t for the single biggest reason that I hate this movie: Doctor Doom. They took Marvel’s most unique and badass villain and turned him into a classic hollywood caricature of an evil wealthy business man. And they took his amazing range of both mystical and scientific abilities and turned it into a guy with metal skin who shoots fucking lightning bolts. I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it anymore. This review is over. Fuck this movie.

Overall Rating: Entirely Un-Fantastic/10

Interstellar Review

I’ve never really though that Christopher Nolan was a great, visionary director. I will say, however, that the man can make an action movie. Inception doesn’t exactly hold up well to scrutiny when it comes to the plot and the way the dream thing works, but it is a very entertaining, engaging, and well made action movie. So are the first two Batman movies he did. My favourite of his is actually Memento, because by all rights that movie should be a hard to follow clusterfuck, but it’s so well made that you’re never lost for a second. Anyway, I think he’s a good director but I don’t feel like anything he’s done has ever really been earth shatteringly great. And that remains true for Interstellar. But it was pretty damn entertaining. The universe they establish feels unique and well though out, and there’s a lot of cool space scenes, but what really holds the whole thing together are the characters. The whole movie sort of hinges on the relationship between Matthew McConaughey and his daughter, and the writing and the performances of both of those characters are great enough to sustain the movie. I also really liked Anne Hathaway despite usually thinking she’s pretty meh. As for the plot it’s pretty basic, until the end when it gets ridiculous. It may not sound like I’m being super complementary of this movie, but I actually really liked it a lot. It was beautifully directed, and probably the best thing I can say about it is that I was consistently entertained for 2 hours and 45 minutes. Say what you want about Christopher Nolan and about this movie, but that’s a pretty hard thing to do. Anyway I would definitely suggest seeing it (preferably on a big screen), but I sort of don’t think I’ll ever want to watch it again, and I doubt it will remembered as well as Inception. I think Christopher Nolan is a very good director, but I’m still waiting for his “masterpiece” so to speak, and Interstellar wasn’t it.

Overall Rating: Fuck  you Michael Caine, I will got gently into that good night if I damn well please

End of 2014 Announcement

I love movies based on marvel comics. Even the bad ones are usually entertaining. But I haven’t seen all of them. In fact, there are way too many I haven’t seen, and even more than I haven’t talked about on this site. So here’s what I’m going to do: before the end of 2014, I will have watched, and reviewed, every single theatrically released movie based on a Marvel comicbook. Now let me lay down some ground rules: first off, we’re talking live action. There are some great Marvel animation films out there, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Secondly, theatrical releases only. There are a lot of made for TV marvel movies, including three Incredible Hulk movies, two Captain America movies, and a really bad Nick Fury movie with David Hasslehoff. We’re not counting those. However, I will be counting the 1990 Captain America movie that was straight to DVD, and the 1994 Fantastic Four movie that never had an official release. I’ve also decided not to include the original 1944 Captain America, for several reasons; it’s a four hour long serial, so not really a theatrical film, the title and costume is basically the only relation to the comic, and at that point in time the company was called Timely comics, so it’s technically not a “Marvel” film. Lastly, I’ve decided to omit the Spider-Man movies; for now. I’ve already talked about the first four, and I’ve gone on extensively about why I don’t want to see The Amazing Spider-Man 2. I’m not saying I’m done talking about Spider-Man movies forever, but for now I feel like I’ve said what I need to, and when I do go back to them, it’ll be it’s own thing. So, the complete list of movies I will watch and review before January 1st, 2015 is:

Howard the Duck

The Punisher (1989)

Captain America (1990)

The Fantastic Four (1994)

Daredevil (2003)

The Punisher (2004)

Elektra

Fantastic Four (2005)

Ghost Rider

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Punisher: War Zone

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Eight movies I’ve seen, four I haven’t. Twelve movie reviews in the next two months. And when it’s all over, I’ll update my marvel movies list to include all the new entries, and maybe re-arrange some of the current ones.

Friday the 13th (2009) Review

……….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand reboot. Just like Jason himself, the Friday the 13th franchise will never die, and even when it does, it always comes back. This time around they made it darker and grittier and tried to get the new generation into these movies, and it was really lame. But what really bugs me is that the filmmakers don’t even seem to understand the franchise or the character of Jason. He seems much smarter than he has in previous movies. Like, he actually comes up with elaborate and creative ways to kill the kids instead of just hacking them with a machete. And he also has this underground layer where he stashes all the kids bodies so that the cops never find then. And all the townspeople are aware of the murders he commits on a regular basis, but don’t do anything about it cause they just figure he just wants to be left alone. It almost feels like they made him more Leatherface than Jason Voorhees. I wonder why that could be? Oh, wait, maybe it’s because the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot was fairly successful, and so they decided to just do that. Yeah, go watch these movies back together, they’re like, exactly the fucking same. (Actually, don’t do that, it would be the worst five hours of your life). I wanted to get on board with this movie because it has a good tone and the simplified version of Jason’s origin story at the beginning was well done, but it’s just so agonizingly unoriginal. Everything that’s not recycled from the originals are ripped off from fucking Texas Chainsaw MassacreSay what you will about the previous movies in the series, but at least they were always original. Nobody else was sending their slasher villain to space and also the future when Jason X came out (fortunately). At least we’re spared from the ridiculously long and unnecessary origin story in the 2007 Halloween remake, and the weird pedo stuff from the 2010 Nightmare on Elm Street remake. But by no means would I call this a good horror movie. At the end of the day, it was kind of just tiring.

Overall Rating: Apparently they’re rebooting this franchise again in 2015 so I guess get ready for that shit/10

Freddy vs. Jason Continuity Theory

I already reviewed Freddy vs. Jason. But I’m marathoning every Friday the 13th movie, and I wouldn’t have felt like it was a complete thing if I didn’t at least do a little something for each one, and that included FvJ. This is just sort of a little thing that I’ve been thinking about regarding this movie. So, in order for there to be a crossover, the previous movies in both series would have had to take place in the same universe. Of course, this creates a whole but ton of continuity issues. Realistically, this was just lazy writing. But I’m going to attempt to explain it logically anyway. My theory is that the Friday the 13th movies and the Nightmare On Elms Street movies do take place in two separate universes, but they share a multiverse, and the Freddy Krueger that we see in Freddy vs. Jason is actually Jason’s universe’s version of Freddy Krueger. I say this because FvJ seems to pretty undisputedly share continuity with the other Friday the 13th movies. It fits perfectly on the timeline between Jason Goes to Hell and Jason X. Hell, they even set it up at the end of Jason Goes to Hell by having Freddy Krueger’s hand come out of the ground and grab Jason’s mask. Now, as for the Nightmare On Elm Street continuity, it seems to be different from the FvJ one. First of all, we ended the last Nightmare movie with the town empty of kids because Freddy killed them all, and Freddy himself definitively dead by the end of it. But not only does FvJ ignore that plot point entirely, it also seems to ignore almost all the Nightmare movies. The whole premise is that Freddy has been forgotten by the kids of Elm Street, and needs Jason to make them fear him again. If he’s some ancient urban legend that’s been forgotten by the current generation, then it would imply he hasn’t been killing for at least twenty years or so, meaning basically none of the other movies could have happened, save for the first one, maybe. Also, Freddy looks different in this movie. I mean, it’s still Robert Englund, but the makeup it totally different. Anyway, that’s my theory. Freddy vs. Jason is official part of the Friday the 13th continuity, but is a different universe than the Nightmare On Elm Street movies. And I guess then Wes Craven’s New Nightmare would also be it’s own separate universe, but now I’m getting back on to Nightmare and this was really supposed to be a Friday the 13th thing.

Jason X Review

What’s weird about this one is that it almost never appears in any of the boxed sets or collections of the Friday the 13th movies. It never even gets played on TV during October when some channel marathons the series. It’s almost treated like a spinoff or something, and I guess you could argue that it technically doesn’t have Friday the 13th in the title. But it clearly is the same continuity, and the X in the title is obviously a reference to the roman numeral for 10, because it’s the 10th movie. I guess the movie was so bad that its own franchise disowned it. And watching the movie, it’s easy to see why. The movie starts in the future year of 2010, which is also now the past. The government has captured Jason (back from hell now I guess, because fuck it) and the plans to cryogenically freeze him are put on hold by some greedy dick-hole scientists who want to study and duplicate Jason’s uncanny inborn healing ability so help safe countless lives. Those bastards! Anyway, before they can do anything, Jason breaks free and goes on a short killing spree before some scientist chick manages to put him into cryo-freeze, but not before also getting her own dumb self frozen. We then jump to the year 2455, where a team of research students are on a routine archeology mission on the now abandoned and unliveable Earth, where they find Jason and the scientist chick. Look, literally everything in this movie is ridiculous, so if I stop and address every single point we’ll be hear all day. Just bear with me. Anyway, they bring the scientist back to life, but decide to leave Jason dead. But of course he comes back anyway, because OF COURSE, and he starts killing everyone. The entire rest of the movie is basically just a really shitty ripoff of Alien and Aliens with Jason Voorhees in the place of the Xenomorph. And that’s not an exaggeration. The whole movie is set in one spaceship, in the middle of nowhere without communications, with Jason stalking down and killing crew members one by one. There are space marines early on in the movie, there’s a lifelike android character who gets her body destroyed near the end and is just a talking head for the last twenty minutes, and who also looks a lot like Bishop. (There’s also a weird love story between her and this scientist dude, including a scene where he’s helping her install fake robot nipples. But that’s neither here nor there). There’s even a scene towards the end with character getting sucked of a hole into space. And finally, towards the end, Jason gets rebuilt as some sort of ridiculous cyborg, which the credits refer to as “Uber Jason”. Basically, this whole movie feels like a Friday the 13th fan fiction written by a horny twelve year old who had seen Alien and Aliens too many times. But the funniest part is the end, where Jason ends up flying out into space, only to end of landing on “Earth 2″, where humanity has now settled after leaving the original Earth. Two teenagers sitting in the woods see him fall into a lake, and go to check it out. Like, seriously? They though they were going to have sequels with Jason killing kids on Earth 2 or whatever? That’s insane! Thankfully, this finally was the last Friday the 13th movie. Unless you count Freddy vs. Jason. Or the 2009 remake. God damn it, this series just won’t end.

Overall Rating: Worst Fucking Movie Ever Probably/10