Inside Llewyn Davis Review

Inside Llewyn Davis is the new Coen Brothers movie, and that’s basically all I need to say. I don’t think they’ve ever made a movie that wasn’t great, and this one is no exception. All of the character genuinely feel like real people, it never got bogged down by plot, and they’re ability to inject humour into dramatic events is present as always. They’re just genius filmmakers, and this movie is a perfect example of how they’ve gotten better over the years. If you don’t go see this while it’s in theatres your priorities are seriously out of whack.

Overall Rating: Fucking A/10

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Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Review

Most comedy sequels fail to live up to their original. While you get the occasional Wayne’s World 2, most of them turn out like Ghostbusters 2, or Clerks 2. So with the original Anchorman being as popular as it is, and this new one coming out almost 10 years later, I was expecting it to be not as good. I’m happy to say I was completely wrong. It not only lived up to the original, but in my opinion surpassed it. I was laughing the entire god damn movie. I came out of the theatre and immediately wanted to watch it again. The story feels much larger than the story of the first one, and it never got stale. Just when I started to think “okay, so this is gonna be the plot” it threw me a curveball and went somewhere else entirely. My only complaint is the sub plot involving Steve Carrel and Kristen Wiig. I hate when they do the whole “stupid guy falls in love with stupid girl” thing. It’s just dumb, and I didn’t think anything Kristen Wiig said or did was funny. Fortunately, with so much else going on this is a pretty small part of an otherwise great movie. I would be surprised if it didn’t gain the same kind of popularity as the original, and if they ever make a third one I’ll be right there opening night. 

Overall Rating: Tony Danza’s Scrotum/10

The Only Good Christmas Movies

Let’s face it, most Christmas movies suck. In fact, almost all Christmas movies suck. Here’s my very short list of the ones that don’t. Please keep in mind that I’m only talking about movies, not specials or shorts, so you won’t see things like How The Grinch Stole Christmas or Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown, even though they’re totally worth watching around the holidays. I’m also only mentioning movies about Christmas, not just ones that take place at Christmas, like Die Hard, or Lethal Weapon. So here it is, my list, of the top five, best Christmas movies. (AKA the only four worth watching).

5. A Christmas Story

A classic, by every definition. A little outdated by todays standards, but the kid getting his tongue stuck to the pole makes me laugh every time. ‘Nuff said.

4. A Nightmare Before Christmas

This movie also goes on my list of good movies that Tim Burton made before he became a repetitive, self satisfying unoriginal ass-douche. The big debate around this movie is whether it’s a Christmas movie or a Halloween movie, and while I think you could watch it on either, I think the story is more centered around Christmas. Either way, I think this movie kicks ass. It’s dark, it’s weird, it’s funny. And some of the songs are pretty damn catchy.

3. Elf

Will Ferrel is hilarious. So is John Favreau. It’s everything I love about Swingers and Step Brothers rolled in to one and tied together with a whole lot of Christmas spirit. What’s not to love?

2. Gremlins

What I love about Gremlins is that it manages to perfectly walk the line between charming kids Christmas movie and gory fucked up horror movie. Plus it has that Spielberg touch.

1. Home Alone

I don’t know about you guys, but for me, Home Alone is the definitive Christmas movie. It’s so great. Every second of it makes me laugh, even after having seen it so many times. It just has that John Hughes mark of greatness. Just like the Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I could just watch it over and over again. It might be one of the best kids movies ever made, but I would say it’s definitely the best Christmas movie ever made.

Agree with my list? Did I forget something important? Let me know in the comments section, and I’ll be sure not to give a shit about your stupid opinion.

The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug Review

The Desolation of Smaug has all of the same problems as the previous Hobbit film. It’s drawn out, boring, and is all over the place in terms of tone. But this time there are also several irrelevant sub-plots to distract you from the occasional tidbits of interesting story. The whole final act with Smaug was cool, but just as I would start to get into it, they would cut back to Gandalf fighting Sauron’s followers, or the dude with the fucked up leg and the elf chick who wanted his D. I came to see the dragon, man. I don’t care about all this bullcrap. Another big complaint I had, which I also had with the first one, was the overuse of CGI. Every single shot seemed artificial in some way. It kind of looked like the colours had been enhanced. Everything seemed way too bright. It’s hard to describe, but if you saw either movie you know what I mean. For the most part I think this one was better than the first one, just because it had more going on, and the giant spiders were definitely a highlight. Also Smaug was cool I guess, but I kinda got tired of him quick. I think the one thing I can say to sum up why this movie is bad is that it just has terrible flow. The whole think is just a series of awkward jumps from event to event. The characters go somewhere, someone captures them or tries to kill them, Bilbo gets them out of it, and the get slightly closer to the Misty Mountain. Lather, rinse, and repeat. It’s just boring, and what’s even worse is that the whole thing is crammed full of shitty looking CGI fighting and clumsy misplaced humour. I guess that’s what happens when you stretch out a 300 page book into nine hours of film just for the sake of trying to cash in on a previously successful franchise…

Overall Rating: Does Orlando Bloom look weird in this movie or is it just me?/10

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Review

Ok, so I’m not a Lord of the Rings fan. Like, at all. I’ve seen the original trilogy maybe, like, three times? I don’t have anything against them, that’s for sure. I mean, there’s a lot of cool stuff in those movies. I just don’t really give a shit about them. So, naturally, I didn’t really give a shit about the Hobbit. But I was curious about the high frame rate and stuff, so I went and saw it with one of my “Ringer” friends. This was back before I started reviewing movies on the internet, but I decided that since the sequel is coming out this week, it would be a good time to give you my thoughts. The first thing I will say about this movie is that it shouldn’t be trilogy. I mean, granted, I didn’t read the book, but the movie progresses at such an agonizingly slow pace that I can’t possibly imagine they needed three parts to tell the complete story. Like, ok, what happened? Gandalf came to Bilbo’s house, told him he needed to go kill a dragon or some shit, they walked to the elf city, chilled there for a while, fell of some mountains, Bilbo met Gollum, then they fought that Nosferatu looking mother fucker with the hook hand, and that was the end of the movie. Are you seriously telling me they couldn’t have done all that in, like, 45 minutes? Especially considering that the Nosferatu thing wasn’t even in the book. I just feel like the Hobbit could have been one really good movie, but instead they decided to stretch is out into three mediocre movies with a lot of filler. But I guess that wouldn’t have made anybody a kajillion billion fucking dollars. The movies other problem is that it tries to be way too epic. From what I understand, the book is meant to be a light hearted little adventure story, with nowhere near the gravitas of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But the movie tries to make every little event along their journey seem like the most serious thing ever. May I remind everyone that the fate of middle earth is not at stake here? It’s just a very different kind of story than Lord of the Rings, but Peter Jackson insists on trying to tell it the same way, and the result is a movie that’s all over the place in terms of tone. Oh, and the high frame rate is just nauseating.

Overall Rating: Maybe the second one will be better. It’s the one with the dragon, right?/10