Fuck you, I’m not seeing The Amazing Spider-man 2

So as you probably know, The Amazing Spider-man 2 comes out in a few days. And if you watched my whole Spider-man video review thing (this guy right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Um29tftQinI), then you’re probably expecting me to do a review of it. But you know what? I’m not seeing it. I just can’t. I love Spider-man too much. I got my hopes up so high for Spider-man 3, and it was terrible. I got my hopes up even higher for The Amazing Spider-man, and it was even worse. I just won’t go through it again. I’ve seen the ads for this new one, I know it’s going to be god awful, and I just can’t sit in a theatre for two and a half hours and watch it happen. I have too much respect for myself, and I have too much respect for Spider-man. Fuck you, I’m not seeing it. You wanna review of it, you see it, and you write one. Asshole.

Archer Vice Review

When I first found out that the fifth season of Archer was going to have a completely different premise than the rest of the series, I thought it was an incredibly bold and original move. However, when the season aired it became apparent that it was anything but. From the small amount of promotional material for the season, I assumed it would be about the main characters running a drug cartel in Miami. You know, an homage to Miami Vice, hence the title. Instead, their cartel is based in New York, they barely sell any cocaine, and when they go on missions they play out just like classic Archer espionage adventures, just with a different objective. So really the only difference between this season of Archer and any other season of Archer is that Pam is skinny and Lana is pregnant. And as a regular season of Archer, the humour is repetitive and there’s a lot of filler episodes. I think what happened here is that someone realized the show was getting stale and thought the change of premise would help keep things fresh. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. However, it is still Archer, and it is still funnier than 95% of television, and I am still excited for the next season.

Overall Rating: Seriously, is phrasing not a thing anymore?/10

Community Season 5 Review

The fifth season of Community is a complete anomaly in television history. Not only because it had to come back and repilot after a fairly definitive finale (which is rare, but has happened before) but because of fired show runner Dan Harmon’s return. Everyone was happy to have him back, but when the season actually aired there was a lot of debate among fans, with the general consensus that the show was much better before. As a die hard Community fan and movie reviewer extraordinaire, I figured I would give my thoughts. Personally, I like the new season. But I can see why a lot of people don’t. You see there have always been two aspects to Community. The first is Dan Harmon’s crazy artistic vision, involving paintball and alternate timelines, and all the crazy meta sci-fi shit that old people don’t understand. The second is the network and producers and other writers bringing in more broad humour and making the show more appealing to a wider audience. Part of what made the show so successful in it’s early seasons was the balance struck between these two aspects, but as the show went on, Harmon’s craziness began to outweigh the wider appeal. I think that’s why a lot of people didn’t like season 3 that much. But what’s happened in season five is that almost all of the things that made the show broad are gone. No Chevy Chase, no Donald Glover, a much smaller writing staff, and less network involvement left the door open for Harmon to basically just do whatever he wanted, and the result is something not a lot of people are into. If you casually enjoyed the first few seasons, but started to think season three got a little weird, then season five is simply not for you. If like me, however, you enjoyed those little glimpses into Dan Harmon’s inner insanity, you should definitely keep watching the show. Having said all that, I still think this season is a little weak. One of it’s major problems is that it doesn’t know what it is. Like it or not the old Community is dead, and this new season is very different both in tone and plot. The issue is that it continually seems like it’s trying to be what it once was. If they get a season six I think it would be wise to steer away from the shows familiar conventions and try to enter into new, bold territory. The premise of Jeff as a teacher at Greendale offers up not only an opportunity for a whole variety of story lines involving him dealing with his students, but for new dynamics to come out between him and his former study group now that he’s no longer one of them. Instead, in season five it’s used as nothing more than an excuse to get them all back around the table so we can pretend everything is back to normal. But this is all stuff that can just be chalked up to the fact that the show is in a transitional period, and I really hope it doesn’t get cancelled, because I’m really excited to see it become whatever it’s on it’s way to becoming.

Overall Rating: Great but not for everybody/10

Trailer Park Boys: Don’t Legalize It Review

The boys are back, and they haven’t gotten any less funny. In fact, I think it’s really interesting to see these characters getting older. They’ve become tired and less willing to deal with all the crap that they normally have to deal with, and that brings out a whole new element in their misadventures. It becomes less a movie about trailer park degenerates out to make a quick buck and stay out of jail, and more about three aging men desperately trying to keep themselves afloat and their friendship intact. That is not to say that this movie isn’t hilarious. Because it is. Everything that makes Trailer Park Boys great is still present in this latest instalment, and it completely reassures me that these guys have plenty more left in them, and that the new seasons are gonna be great.

Overall Rating: DECENT/10

The Avengers Review

In 2008 when Marvel first set in motion a plan to assemble a cinematic universe and create the biggest event in the history of comicbook movies, I don’t think anyone could have predicted that it would end up being just that. Never before has a studio gotten their shit together in order to accomplish such an ambitious goal, and never before has the payoff been so great. The Avengers wasn’t just awesome, it changed the face of modern superhero movies forever, and made a huge mark in the history of cinema. This is the kind of movie we’ll all show our kids. We’ll be able to tell our grandchildren that we saw The Avengers in theatres when it came out, and it’ll blow they’re minds. While the five movies leading up to it had their fair share of ups and downs, The Avengers is pure unapologetic awesome from beginning to end. Each character is given the perfect amount of attention and screen time, it never feels like any one of them is the focus of the movie, and all their interactions are great. Man, marvel did so right in deciding to give this one to Joss Whedon. The man can write group conflict. There are too many great things in this movie to list, from the helicarrier, to the fight between Iron Man and Thor, to Loki’s awesome villain rants. But it at leads up to the battle of Manhattan. It’s way too long, the action is ridiculous and over the top, and everything is completely unrealistic, yet I am dead fucking serious when I say it is the most exciting forty minutes of film I have ever watched. My only real complaint is that Edward Norton isn’t the Hulk, although honestly Mark Ruffalo is pretty great in the part too. And at the end when he goes into action, it’s so awesome that I don’t even care. Well, that’s about all I can say. This movie is fucking awesome, and will forever be remembered as a great achievement for Marvel.

Overall Rating: Legendary/10

Captain America: The First Avenger Review

If you read my Iron Man review, you know I talked about something that happens in superhero movies, where too much time is spent on the origin, and the last act ends up feeling irrelevant or tacked on. Well, Captain America: The First Avenger takes that shit to a whole other level. It’s like two completely different movies. And the first one, the one telling the origin of Captain America, is great. It sets the time period perfectly, and really does an awesome job setting up the character. Then the second half is kind of a fucking mess. The Red Skull has all these crazy plans that are never explained and make no sense, then Captain America goes after him, they fight for like two seconds, and then Cap crashes the ship into the ice for what seem like somewhat unnecessary reasons. These two halves are bridged by a minute long montage of Cap and the howling commandos fighting through years of war, which I can’t help but feel should have been the part we saw, instead of nothing happening for the whole middle hour. I mean, what sounds like a better second act: Cap doing USO shows for twenty minutes before finally going out on one single rescue mission that ends with little conflict, or Cap and his team of badass war heroes fighting their way across Nazi Germany? Seems like a no-brainer to me. I think it’s really a shame that we missed out on all of that, especially the Howling Commandos. We have this whole team of supporting characters who we get to see in action for less than five minutes. It’s just like Thor’s Asgardian warrior friends. Another character we didn’t get nearly enough of was the Red Skull. Hugo Weaving is a perfect casting choice, and the makeup looks really cool, but we barely ever see him, and at the end Captain America defeats him in like a minute. I just hope they bring him back in one of the sequels, because they definitely left it open to do so. This movie is by no stretch of the imagination bad, but it feels like it was maybe a little rushed, like the just wanted to get Captain America established so they could make The Avengers. But when they were that close to the finish line, who can really blame them?

Overall Rating: Star Spangled/10

Thor Review

Thor is a hard movie for me to talk about, simply because I have very little to say. It’s good enough of a movie. I certainly can’t find any major flaws in it. Yet somehow it just always fails to leave any sort of impression on me. I’ve seen it like five times and I can barely remember anything from it. One of the best things about this movie, however, is Loki. He’s such a compelling character, and his transition from good to evil is handled perfectly. It’s really interesting to watch him and Thor start out as loving brothers, and then by the end of the movie reach the point that they’re at in The Avengers. One of the negative things about Loki’s slow transition, though, is that Thor has no consistent villain for most of the movie. The entire middle hour is just him trying to adjust to life on earth, and while this does provide opportunity for some Grade A hijinks, it would be nice to see him doing something other than just fucking around while Loki takes over Asgard. I maybe would have liked to see a little more of him and his warrior friends fighting frost giants. Other than that, there’s not a lot more to be said. It’s funny, the casting is great, and there’s some pretty good action. Somehow it’s just not very memorable.

Overall Rating: Forgettable/10