Bojack Horseman Season 1 Review

As soon as I started the first episode of Bojack Horseman I could tell it was a cleverly written show. Normally that wouldn’t be enough for me to write a whole review on, but after the seventh or eight episode, I realized was how brilliantly creative and unique this show really is, and so I decided I would have to talk about it. But let’s take a step back: for those of you who don’t know, Bojack Horseman is an animated sitcom and the newest Netflix original series. It takes place in a world where anthropomorphized animals live alongside humans, and it stars Will Arnet as a washed up sitcom actor from the 90s. Also he’s a horse. The show starts when he hires a young writer to ghost wright his auto biography. Along for the ride are his ex-girlfriend/agent/casual hookup partner/cat, his roommate/some guy who’s been crashing on his couch for the last five years, and his arch-nemesis Mr. Peanut Butter. Now right off the bat this show is hilarious. I found my self laughing out loud several times in the first episode alone, and it was a bar that didn’t drop as the season went on. But what took me by surprise is how honest and sobering of a look it was at not just the culture surrounding celebrities in this day and age, but at the dark and lonely lives of those who live to entertain. In light of Robin Williams recent suicide, I think this show’s statement on how sad it is be someone who makes people laugh is more relevant now than ever. Add to that two separate and equally catchy theme songs, Will Arnet’s amazing performance, and one of the craziest drug trips I’ve ever seen and you have a truly original show. Home release and instant access to every episode has changed TV a lot, and it’s shows like this that show the true potential of this new creative freedom. Shows nowadays are not only able to keep longer story arcs going over multiple episodes, but they’re also beginning to blur genre lines between comedy and drama. It’s just so great to see a show not be restricted by being lumped into a certain category, and instead go wherever it needs to go tonally. This and the fourth season of Louie are the future of television. But don’t think this show is all drama; these tragic and sobering character moments only serve as a backbone for a tremendous amount of comedy, and it’s all some of the funniest stuff I’ve seen in a while.

Overall Rating: HOW DO YOU DRINK A MOOD?!


Stop Looking At Me, Swan

I love Adam Sandler. I do. Honestly. Do I think his last ten movies have been terrible? Of course. Do I hate him for what he is doing to the film and comedy industries, and that he is single handedly destroying all creativity in hollywood? Again, the answer is yes. But the plain and simple fact is that there is a lot of great Sandler stuff out there, and what there is of it is all gold. The two greatest Sandler films, two of the best comedy films period, are Billy Madison and Big Daddy. They also happened to have been two of my favourite movies as a kid, the kind that I would watch every goddamn Saturday for a year, on very worn VHS tapes. And they still are two of my favourite comedy movies of all time. And growing up with these movies, one of the interesting things was slowly realizing what all the dirty jokes that I didn’t get as a kid actually meant. When I was a kid there were a lot of jokes in these movies that made absolutely no sense to me, and I’ve spent the last seven years of puberty slowly checking jokes off that list. And by the time I was about fourteen, I got every joke in the two movies.

Except for one. There’s a seen in Billy Madison, near the beginning, when he comes home super drunk and has to take a bath. He’s sitting in the tub, and he’s playing with the shampoo and conditioner, making them fight each other. (“shampoo is betta, I go on first and clean the hair” “conditiona is betta, I leave the hair silky and smooth”) Classic Sandler. But then he drops the hair products, turn to face his right side, and yells “Stop looking at me, Swan!”, before turning back to us with a dumb, vacant grin on his face. When I was a kid, I would actually quote this line a lot, just because it sounded funny. But it never quite made sense to me. What exactly was the joke there? Is he pretending that somebody is watching him take a bath? But then why does he call them a swan? Maybe he says “swine”, but that only makes slightly more sense, and it really does sound like swan. Maybe there is someone there, like his maid or something, and he’s calling her a swan. But why? That’s not a thing you call someone. Maybe someone on set has the last name swan, and it’s like a fourth wall joke? I checked on imdb, it’s not the director or any of the producers, but maybe it was like a grip or something? That seems more like a behind the scenes clip, though, I don’t think they would leave that in the movie. Maybe he’s imagining a giant swan, just like he imagined the penguin. But we never see the swan. And the penguin returns several times, but we never see any other imaginary animals. The rest of the movie sort of makes it seem as though the penguin is his only drunk hallucination animal.

I don’t get it! All the other movies I’ve seen, all the culture I’ve been made aware of since I was a kid, and I still don’t get this one single joke in Billy Fucking Madison! It’s literally driving me insane. So I’m left with two options: I can go out into the world in search of the answer to this age old question, or I can except the fact that it’s just Adam Sandler being silly and there really is no meaning. The first one seems like a lot of work, so I don’t want to do that. But I hate letting stuff go. So I decided to just make as many people as possible aware of this joke, and see if any of them know what it means. Please help me.


Harry Potter Conclusion

So I watched all eight movies, and it’s finally time to find out whether or not I hate Harry Potter. I think the answer is no. I like the universe. I like the character. I think the first three or four movies are great, and they will always have been a big part of my childhood. However, the last four movies are terrible. And because I liked Harry Potter so much, it pained me to see it get so shitty. Kinda like the Simpsons. But unlike the Simpsons, there are a lot of people who think the last four Harry Potter movies are actually really awesome. And that makes me mad, because it seems like a lot of people will just like anything as long as it has a familiar name attached to it. It’s like none of these people even understood why they liked Harry Potter in the first place, they just became so obsessed with it they would love anything related to it, whether or not it was actually good. And I really hate that kind of mentality, and I think it’s idiots just like that who are destroying the film industry by assuring that nobody actually has to put effort into their movies in order to make a million dollars. With no standard for quality, the quality will drop. And we’re rapidly losing out standard for quality. And it’s frustrating to me that all of this is happening because of a bunch of stupid twelve year olds who won’t shut up about Harry Potter. Or The Hunger Games. Or fucking Twilight. And I don’t want to rip on any of those franchises specifically, I haven’t even seen Hunger Games, I’m just saying it’s those kind of idiot kids that are vomiting all this money into the box office just because the movie has a familiar name on it. And as people rapidly being using this to their advantage, we’ll eventually have no movies with any effort put into them whatsoever. And that sucks ass. So my overall conclusion: I don’t hate Harry Potter as a whole. In fact, there’s a lot of Harry Potter that I love. But I hate the last four movies. And I really, really hate the people who love the last four movies.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Review

So I guess at some point down the line Harry Potter became just another dark, Nolan-y action franchise, and I guess it’s because of that that the series had to end with two and a half hours of mind numbing action and death. And I guess for two and a half hours of mind numbing action and death, it’s pretty good. I’m just kind of upset that that’s what Harry Potter turned in to. It’s the same thing that happened with Star Trek in the new J.J. Abrams movies. Not everything is an action movie, but when Hollywood decides to make everything gritty and realistic and updated that’s the only way the seem to know how to do it. They adjust everything to be more like previous successes and eventually everything loses it’s distinguishing attributes. And so things like sci-fi, fantasy, and family adventure movies all just become homogenized into action schlock. And after this long of seeing the same thing over and over again it simply doesn’t matter to me whether it’s done well or not. So I guess you could argue that 2009’s Star Trek was actually a pretty solid action action film despite being so disrespectful to the original source material, but the fact is that no matter how good something is I don’t want to see it over and over again, especially when it’s extracted from something that used to be original. I would take variety over quality any day of the week, because at least that’s interesting. Unlike this last Harry Potter movie, which despite it’s several very well constructed action sequences, is incredibly boring to me. There’s a huge fight in the castle, Harry sacrifices himself, then there’s the whole “is he dead or not” fake-out, then there’s another big fight in the castle, and eventually Harry and Voldemort duke it out mono e mono and Voldemort dies in a big epic explosion of light. Fucking snooze. You know what would have been a way more interesting ending? If in the middle of the big battle, like halfway through the movie, a wall falls on Harry and he fucking dies, and then Ron and Hermione and goddamn Neville have to devise some sort of scheme to lure Voldemort into a nest of giant poison space wasps, and then they all sting his ass to death. And then everyone magically comes back to life and they have a giant game of Quidditch. At least that would be something I hadn’t seen before. If you really like Harry Potter and you think this movie is awesome, it’s somewhat hard to disagree. The bank robbery sequence it a lot of fun, things get pretty epic towards the end, it gives appropriate screen time to all the characters, and it wraps up all the plot lines for the whole series really well. It’s well made. It’s just not interesting.

Overall Rating: Does Not Hold Up

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 Review

So the whole splitting this into two movies thing was pretty dumb. I mean, I know there’s a lot of stuff you have to leave out when turning a 500 page book into a two hour long movie, but it didn’t seem to be an issue for the last four Harry Potter movies. But suddenly with this one they decided that you absolutely needed to be shown every single little detail of the story, and that there was no conceivable way they could have done that in less than five hours. And I guess also they decided it would make them a shit ton more money. So you end up with one movie that just feels entirely like buildup, and one movie that feels entirely like payoff. Neither of which are interesting at all without the other. I love me some good buildup, but when there’s no payoff it just feels like you got cheated. That’s exactly why I hate the Blair Witch Project so much. The buildup is done really well, but at some point I want to see a scary witch come out and kill people. That’s one of the major problems that plagues this movie. It also has the same directing issues that the last two movies had. I don’t know who the fuck David Yates is, but he sucks. He just only knows how to do one thing visually. There’s no variety. Everything is just dark and gloomy, it’s no fun to watch. I get that this movie is supposed to be dark and serious, but you can still do that while giving me interesting things look at. Speaking of this movie being super dark for no reason, why do they need to kill everybody? I know it’s the last one, and some major character deaths are always a good way to keep the stakes high, but remember when this was a fun adventure series about a boy wizard? Have we really gotten so far away from that that you need to kill every single comic relief side character in the entire series? This is more of an issue with Part 2, but there are still a lot of really unnecessary deaths in this one. Like, ok, Dobby’s death was like actually a major plot point, so I guess that’s fine, but did Moody need to die? Or the fucking owl? Did Harry’s pet owl real need to be violently murdered trying to defend him? Seriously? All that shit aside, at least there’s finally stuff happening in this one. There’s a cool chase scene to kick it off, and the whole sneaking into the Ministry of Magic sequence was kind of fun. Finally character are doing something other than sitting around talking about how angry they are. Well, for the most part. There is still a lot of that. And what was with that scene where Harry and Hermione start dancing together? That was really weird, right? Anyway, this movie is much better than the previous two, but it still sucks.

Ruling: Does Not Hold Up

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Review

When I was typing the title for this review, I originally wrote Half Blood as two separate words, but then I was like, is there a hyphen? So I looked it up and yes, there is a hyphen. I know it seems weird that I would mention that, but I have to fill up time here somehow because I have absolutely nothing to say about this fucking movie. It’s just as sleep inducing and uneventful as the last one, but somehow even less memorable. The climax of the entire movie is just that Dumbledore dies. It’s not like he died in the middle of some huge battle or while a crazy monster was tearing apart the school or anything, Snape just comes into the tower, kills him, everyone’s super sad about it, and then the movie just ends. As far as endings go, that’s an awful big step down from a giant snake or a werewolf. And because the ending has absolutely no buildup whatsoever, what does Harry do for the rest of the movie? Compete in a wizarding tournament? Slowly uncover a mystery about a giant monster? NOPE, cause that would be interesting. Instead the entire plot of the movie is just him trying to get friendly with Slugworth so that he can get the memory from him. That’s his only goal the whole time, just to befriend a teacher. And while this intense and gripping story arc is playing out, all the characters ever do or talk about is stupid relationship drama. “Oh my god, Harry likes Ginny. Oh my god, Hermione likes Ron. Oh my god, Ron’s got a girlfriend and Hermione’s upset about it” NO ONE FUCKING CARES!!! They’re all so stupid and whiny, just fucking ask each other out already. Harry spends an entire goddamn year being really and awkward and flirty around Ginny until one of them finally makes a move. Hermione spends months being upset that Ron isn’t in to her, then gets actual proof that Ron is in to her, and then does absolutely nothing about it. It’s like, if there actually were relationships being formed and romantic plots playing out, it might be sort of interesting, but it’s just teenagers being awkward around each other for two hours. If I wanted to see that, I would have actually gone to all those dances we had in middle school, instead of hanging out in the bathroom and lighting shit on fire. It’s like somebody wrote this movie, or book I guess, and then decided “you know what, we should take out anything that actually happens”. It’s so boring to watch. I might as well just stare at a wall for two hours. Oh, and by the way, somebody really needs to tell this director that dark tone does not mean dark lighting. I get it, these movies are no longer for kids. You can still have some visual variety instead of just having every single shot lit the exact same way. I’m trying to watch it on my laptop, and I keep seeing my reflection in the screen cause everything’s so goddamn dark. Turn a fucking lamp on. Or candle, I guess, because wizards have apparently never heard of lightbulbs.

Ruling: Does Not Hold Up

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Review

So I guess what happened by this point in the writing process is that J.K. Rowling had already used all of her good ideas, and so she couldn’t really think of anything fun or exciting to happen in this one. I mean, you have the whole war against Voldemort ramping up over this and the next few movies, but it seems like other than being part of that larger arc this movie has absolutely no plot of its own. Like, what happens in this movie? Nothing. Fucking nothing. There’s like this prophecy, about how Voldemort and Harry have to like kill each other? I think? And Voldemort wants the prophecy, for no real conceivable reason, and so he tricks Harry into breaking into the ministry of magic, where apparently they keep every prophecy ever told in little glass balls in this big room full of shelves, so that Harry can get the prophecy, and then Voldemort can come steal it from him. But why does Voldemort want it? Does he not know what it says? It seems like everyone already knows what it says. Who even told this prophecy? When? How does Voldemort even know it exists? This whole thing doesn’t make any sense. But you don’t really get told about any of that shit until like the last twenty minutes, so most of the movie has nothing to do with any of that anyway. Basically, the movie is just Harry training his friends to fight. For like the whole movie. There’s no conflict, no danger, no unfolding mystery plot. They just sit around practicing magic while that Umbridge bitch becomes increasingly more…bitchy. It’s just so boring. I don’t want to see Harry Potter just be angry for a whole movie. Fight a fucking dragon or something, jeez. There’s not a single cool action set piece in this movie. No basilisks or flying cars or time travel. The closest thing you get is Hagrid’s giant brother out in the forest, and you only see him for like thirty seconds. Seriously, tell me one cool thing that happens in this movie. Give me one single legitimately memorable moment. See? You can’t, there isn’t one. Even the final duel between Voldemort and Dumbledore, a fight which should be the exciting highlight of the entire series, is super fucking boring to watch because it’s just two guys throwing spells back and forth at each other. There’s nothing unique or interesting about it. And even if it was a cool fight, which it totally isn’t, it would still be boring because it has nothing to do with the rest of the plot. There’s no buildup to it, it’s just like shit happens for two and a half hour and then Voldemort and Dumbledore fight at the end. Even the whole sequence in the Ministry of Magic archives, which you’d think would be an interesting new set piece, just feels like a total rehash of the maze from the end of the last movie. The increasing problem with these Harry Potter movies is that they simultaneously began to take themselves too seriously and run out of ideas, so you go from fun adventure movies with lots of cool stuff in them, to a bunch of angst-y teenagers sitting around taking very seriously while having nothing to actually do. The whole time I’m watching this movie I just keep begging for something to happen, and by the time it does I’m already so bored I want to kill myself. This movie fucking sucks. Bitch.

Ruling: Does Not Hold Up