Lucy Review

When I saw the first trailer for Lucy, I had two thoughts: “Scarlett Johansson is ridiculously hot” and “that looks like a ripoff of Limitless”. When I saw the second trailer for Lucy, I thought “Wow, that actually looks really dumb”. Then I found out it was directed by Luc Besson, who did Leon: The Professional, which is a fucking sick movie in case you didn’t know. And then a bunch of people told me it was really good, so I figured, eh, I have seven bucks to spare, why not. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much. But this movie was a fucking train wreck. Literally nothing in the movie makes sense at all. I’m about to get into spoiler territory, so if you haven’t seen it….don’t. So, right off the bat I want to point out that the entire premise doesn’t make sense. She becomes able to use more of her brain, but instead of just making her smarter, it somehow gives her like telekinesis and telepathy and FREAKING TIME TRAVEL and all sorts of other crazy powers. Honestly, they sort of just give her whatever powers are most convenient to progress the story at any given point. But even if I was willing to buy that premise, everything else that happens in the movie is completely retarded. First of all, how did humans possibly make a drug that could basically turn a person into a god? And if they did, why has this not happened to anybody else? It seems like they’ve been selling it to junkies, are we expected to believe that just nobody ever tried taking that much? It seems like we would have seen a few people with crazy powers popping up. Also, if the guys selling this shit see what it does to her, why don’t they just take it themselves and fight her superpowers with theirs instead of just going and trying to shoot her? Like, literally after she’s spent the whole movie just fucking throwing dudes with her mind and shit, the main bad guys final plan to stop her is to go try to shoot her. Like, is he a total fucking idiot? It makes no sense! There are also several scenes where people just walk around hospitals with guns and kill random people without ever being bothered by authorities of any kind. But it’s not just the bad guys and the police that are stupid, Scar-Jo herself does some pretty dumb shit too. There’s a scene where they need to get somewhere fast, so she drives down the road using her telekinesis to throw cars out of her way and kill dozens of innocent people, and I’m thinking, couldn’t you just lift your own car? Or, even just like lift yourself and fucking fly there? That would be faster anyway. Isn’t this character supposed to be a super genius? But all plot holes aside, the real problem with this movie is that it keeps trying to be deep. I would have been up for a stupid sci-fi action movie, but they keep throwing all this fate of mankind evolutionary gibberish at you to make it seem intelligent. They spend so much of the movie on this and it’s complete bullshit! Like, if you actually have a point to make then make it, but don’t just keep ranting about vaguely philosophical nonsense for half the fucking movie. Seriously, Luc Besson, what happened to you man? Leon: The Professional was so good! The Fifth Element was so good! The Transporter movies were…well, the first one was pretty cool. How could you make such a piece of shit fucking movie? Like, this is a big stinky fucking nonsensical turd of a goddamn movie. You should be embarrassed. Everyone involved should be embarrassed. You’re a fucking idiot if you like this movie, there, I said it.

Overall Rating: I’m so mad about this movie I can’t even think of one/10


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