So I guess what happened by this point in the writing process is that J.K. Rowling had already used all of her good ideas, and so she couldn’t really think of anything fun or exciting to happen in this one. I mean, you have the whole war against Voldemort ramping up over this and the next few movies, but it seems like other than being part of that larger arc this movie has absolutely no plot of its own. Like, what happens in this movie? Nothing. Fucking nothing. There’s like this prophecy, about how Voldemort and Harry have to like kill each other? I think? And Voldemort wants the prophecy, for no real conceivable reason, and so he tricks Harry into breaking into the ministry of magic, where apparently they keep every prophecy ever told in little glass balls in this big room full of shelves, so that Harry can get the prophecy, and then Voldemort can come steal it from him. But why does Voldemort want it? Does he not know what it says? It seems like everyone already knows what it says. Who even told this prophecy? When? How does Voldemort even know it exists? This whole thing doesn’t make any sense. But you don’t really get told about any of that shit until like the last twenty minutes, so most of the movie has nothing to do with any of that anyway. Basically, the movie is just Harry training his friends to fight. For like the whole movie. There’s no conflict, no danger, no unfolding mystery plot. They just sit around practicing magic while that Umbridge bitch becomes increasingly more…bitchy. It’s just so boring. I don’t want to see Harry Potter just be angry for a whole movie. Fight a fucking dragon or something, jeez. There’s not a single cool action set piece in this movie. No basilisks or flying cars or time travel. The closest thing you get is Hagrid’s giant brother out in the forest, and you only see him for like thirty seconds. Seriously, tell me one cool thing that happens in this movie. Give me one single legitimately memorable moment. See? You can’t, there isn’t one. Even the final duel between Voldemort and Dumbledore, a fight which should be the exciting highlight of the entire series, is super fucking boring to watch because it’s just two guys throwing spells back and forth at each other. There’s nothing unique or interesting about it. And even if it was a cool fight, which it totally isn’t, it would still be boring because it has nothing to do with the rest of the plot. There’s no buildup to it, it’s just like shit happens for two and a half hour and then Voldemort and Dumbledore fight at the end. Even the whole sequence in the Ministry of Magic archives, which you’d think would be an interesting new set piece, just feels like a total rehash of the maze from the end of the last movie. The increasing problem with these Harry Potter movies is that they simultaneously began to take themselves too seriously and run out of ideas, so you go from fun adventure movies with lots of cool stuff in them, to a bunch of angst-y teenagers sitting around taking very seriously while having nothing to actually do. The whole time I’m watching this movie I just keep begging for something to happen, and by the time it does I’m already so bored I want to kill myself. This movie fucking sucks. Bitch.
Ruling: Does Not Hold Up