When I was typing the title for this review, I originally wrote Half Blood as two separate words, but then I was like, is there a hyphen? So I looked it up and yes, there is a hyphen. I know it seems weird that I would mention that, but I have to fill up time here somehow because I have absolutely nothing to say about this fucking movie. It’s just as sleep inducing and uneventful as the last one, but somehow even less memorable. The climax of the entire movie is just that Dumbledore dies. It’s not like he died in the middle of some huge battle or while a crazy monster was tearing apart the school or anything, Snape just comes into the tower, kills him, everyone’s super sad about it, and then the movie just ends. As far as endings go, that’s an awful big step down from a giant snake or a werewolf. And because the ending has absolutely no buildup whatsoever, what does Harry do for the rest of the movie? Compete in a wizarding tournament? Slowly uncover a mystery about a giant monster? NOPE, cause that would be interesting. Instead the entire plot of the movie is just him trying to get friendly with Slugworth so that he can get the memory from him. That’s his only goal the whole time, just to befriend a teacher. And while this intense and gripping story arc is playing out, all the characters ever do or talk about is stupid relationship drama. “Oh my god, Harry likes Ginny. Oh my god, Hermione likes Ron. Oh my god, Ron’s got a girlfriend and Hermione’s upset about it” NO ONE FUCKING CARES!!! They’re all so stupid and whiny, just fucking ask each other out already. Harry spends an entire goddamn year being really and awkward and flirty around Ginny until one of them finally makes a move. Hermione spends months being upset that Ron isn’t in to her, then gets actual proof that Ron is in to her, and then does absolutely nothing about it. It’s like, if there actually were relationships being formed and romantic plots playing out, it might be sort of interesting, but it’s just teenagers being awkward around each other for two hours. If I wanted to see that, I would have actually gone to all those dances we had in middle school, instead of hanging out in the bathroom and lighting shit on fire. It’s like somebody wrote this movie, or book I guess, and then decided “you know what, we should take out anything that actually happens”. It’s so boring to watch. I might as well just stare at a wall for two hours. Oh, and by the way, somebody really needs to tell this director that dark tone does not mean dark lighting. I get it, these movies are no longer for kids. You can still have some visual variety instead of just having every single shot lit the exact same way. I’m trying to watch it on my laptop, and I keep seeing my reflection in the screen cause everything’s so goddamn dark. Turn a fucking lamp on. Or candle, I guess, because wizards have apparently never heard of lightbulbs.
Ruling: Does Not Hold Up