Friday the 13th (2009) Review

……….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand reboot. Just like Jason himself, the Friday the 13th franchise will never die, and even when it does, it always comes back. This time around they made it darker and grittier and tried to get the new generation into these movies, and it was really lame. But what really bugs me is that the filmmakers don’t even seem to understand the franchise or the character of Jason. He seems much smarter than he has in previous movies. Like, he actually comes up with elaborate and creative ways to kill the kids instead of just hacking them with a machete. And he also has this underground layer where he stashes all the kids bodies so that the cops never find then. And all the townspeople are aware of the murders he commits on a regular basis, but don’t do anything about it cause they just figure he just wants to be left alone. It almost feels like they made him more Leatherface than Jason Voorhees. I wonder why that could be? Oh, wait, maybe it’s because the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot was fairly successful, and so they decided to just do that. Yeah, go watch these movies back together, they’re like, exactly the fucking same. (Actually, don’t do that, it would be the worst five hours of your life). I wanted to get on board with this movie because it has a good tone and the simplified version of Jason’s origin story at the beginning was well done, but it’s just so agonizingly unoriginal. Everything that’s not recycled from the originals are ripped off from fucking Texas Chainsaw MassacreSay what you will about the previous movies in the series, but at least they were always original. Nobody else was sending their slasher villain to space and also the future when Jason X came out (fortunately). At least we’re spared from the ridiculously long and unnecessary origin story in the 2007 Halloween remake, and the weird pedo stuff from the 2010 Nightmare on Elm Street remake. But by no means would I call this a good horror movie. At the end of the day, it was kind of just tiring.

Overall Rating: Apparently they’re rebooting this franchise again in 2015 so I guess get ready for that shit/10


Freddy vs. Jason Continuity Theory

I already reviewed Freddy vs. Jason. But I’m marathoning every Friday the 13th movie, and I wouldn’t have felt like it was a complete thing if I didn’t at least do a little something for each one, and that included FvJ. This is just sort of a little thing that I’ve been thinking about regarding this movie. So, in order for there to be a crossover, the previous movies in both series would have had to take place in the same universe. Of course, this creates a whole but ton of continuity issues. Realistically, this was just lazy writing. But I’m going to attempt to explain it logically anyway. My theory is that the Friday the 13th movies and the Nightmare On Elms Street movies do take place in two separate universes, but they share a multiverse, and the Freddy Krueger that we see in Freddy vs. Jason is actually Jason’s universe’s version of Freddy Krueger. I say this because FvJ seems to pretty undisputedly share continuity with the other Friday the 13th movies. It fits perfectly on the timeline between Jason Goes to Hell and Jason X. Hell, they even set it up at the end of Jason Goes to Hell by having Freddy Krueger’s hand come out of the ground and grab Jason’s mask. Now, as for the Nightmare On Elm Street continuity, it seems to be different from the FvJ one. First of all, we ended the last Nightmare movie with the town empty of kids because Freddy killed them all, and Freddy himself definitively dead by the end of it. But not only does FvJ ignore that plot point entirely, it also seems to ignore almost all the Nightmare movies. The whole premise is that Freddy has been forgotten by the kids of Elm Street, and needs Jason to make them fear him again. If he’s some ancient urban legend that’s been forgotten by the current generation, then it would imply he hasn’t been killing for at least twenty years or so, meaning basically none of the other movies could have happened, save for the first one, maybe. Also, Freddy looks different in this movie. I mean, it’s still Robert Englund, but the makeup it totally different. Anyway, that’s my theory. Freddy vs. Jason is official part of the Friday the 13th continuity, but is a different universe than the Nightmare On Elm Street movies. And I guess then Wes Craven’s New Nightmare would also be it’s own separate universe, but now I’m getting back on to Nightmare and this was really supposed to be a Friday the 13th thing.

Jason X Review

What’s weird about this one is that it almost never appears in any of the boxed sets or collections of the Friday the 13th movies. It never even gets played on TV during October when some channel marathons the series. It’s almost treated like a spinoff or something, and I guess you could argue that it technically doesn’t have Friday the 13th in the title. But it clearly is the same continuity, and the X in the title is obviously a reference to the roman numeral for 10, because it’s the 10th movie. I guess the movie was so bad that its own franchise disowned it. And watching the movie, it’s easy to see why. The movie starts in the future year of 2010, which is also now the past. The government has captured Jason (back from hell now I guess, because fuck it) and the plans to cryogenically freeze him are put on hold by some greedy dick-hole scientists who want to study and duplicate Jason’s uncanny inborn healing ability so help safe countless lives. Those bastards! Anyway, before they can do anything, Jason breaks free and goes on a short killing spree before some scientist chick manages to put him into cryo-freeze, but not before also getting her own dumb self frozen. We then jump to the year 2455, where a team of research students are on a routine archeology mission on the now abandoned and unliveable Earth, where they find Jason and the scientist chick. Look, literally everything in this movie is ridiculous, so if I stop and address every single point we’ll be hear all day. Just bear with me. Anyway, they bring the scientist back to life, but decide to leave Jason dead. But of course he comes back anyway, because OF COURSE, and he starts killing everyone. The entire rest of the movie is basically just a really shitty ripoff of Alien and Aliens with Jason Voorhees in the place of the Xenomorph. And that’s not an exaggeration. The whole movie is set in one spaceship, in the middle of nowhere without communications, with Jason stalking down and killing crew members one by one. There are space marines early on in the movie, there’s a lifelike android character who gets her body destroyed near the end and is just a talking head for the last twenty minutes, and who also looks a lot like Bishop. (There’s also a weird love story between her and this scientist dude, including a scene where he’s helping her install fake robot nipples. But that’s neither here nor there). There’s even a scene towards the end with character getting sucked out of a hole into space like the end of Aliens. And finally, towards the end, Jason gets rebuilt as some sort of ridiculous cyborg, which the credits refer to as “Uber Jason”. Basically, this whole movie feels like a Friday the 13th fan fiction written by a horny twelve year old who had seen Alien and Aliens too many times. But the funniest part is the end, where Jason ends up flying out into space, only to end of landing on “Earth 2”, where humanity has now settled after leaving the original Earth. Two teenagers sitting in the woods see him fall into a lake, and go to check it out. Like, seriously? They thought they were going to have sequels with Jason killing kids on a parallel future earth? That’s insane! Thankfully, this finally was the last Friday the 13th movie. Unless you count Freddy vs. Jason. Or the 2009 remake. God damn it, this series just won’t end.

Overall Rating: Worst Fucking Movie Ever Probably/10

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday Review

So we’re on part 9 now, and this is the second movie in the franchise with a title that a) abandons the numbering pattern, and b) claims to be the final movie only for another sequel to be released a few years later. The story picks up several years down the line, and Jason has been back from his apparent death at the end of the last movie for a while now. What I kind of like is that they seem to have progressed the character and universe appropriately for how much time has passed. It feels like we’ve missed a few sequels, and during that time things have changed, but we’ve seen enough of these to piece together what happened pretty easily. It feels easily explainable without requiring an explanation. Anyway, I guess by this point Jason has become enough of a problem that the army had to get involved, and so in the first scene they show up and blow the shit out of Jason with a bunch of machine guns and rocket launchers. Dude gets dead, for reals this time. However, in the morgue, the coroner eats Jason’s heart and then becomes possessed by his soul. I want you to go back and read that sentence over as many times as you need to. The premise of this one is that Jason Vorhees isn’t necessarily a physical being, as much as he is like a spirit of evil that can be passed from body to body. So every time that Jason kills someone, he jumps into their body, and the one he was in before dissolves into mush. (We only see it once, but it’s a very cool effect. Lots of blood and guts). It also turns out that Jason had a sister, who is now all grown up and has a daughter in her late 20’s. Apparently, if Jason kills someone within his own bloodline, he can get his own body back. However, if someone in his family were to kill him, he would stay dead permanently, and that’s the only way to kill him. I’d like to take a second to point out that real people actually wrote this movie. So he’s after his sister, his niece, and the niece’s little baby. How do we know all this, you ask? Well, there’s a friendly bounty hunter who’s been chasing Jason, and he just knows all of this. He spends the whole movie just explaining these rules to the other characters, without once mentioning why those are the rules or how he knows them. A bunch of bullshit happens, including a physical embodiment of Jason’s soul as a little slimy lizard monster, and then eventually Jason get his body back, The movie ends up with a final showdown with Jason and his niece. She stabs him in the chest, and a portal to hell opens up, and Jason is dragged away by demon hands, because I guess their writing strategy was just “fuck it, this is probably the last one, let’s just go nuts with it”. Basically this movie is dumb. And weird. And doesn’t even feel like a fucking Friday the 13th movie at all, with almost no teenagers, very little of Jason in his own body, and a setting that goes more “small town” than “cabin in the woods”. Also there’s a really awkward Evil Dead reference, and a cliffhanger for a Nightmare On Elm Street crossover that wouldn’t come out for another ten years. Also also, there’s way less nudity in these later ones than in the earlier movies. I’m not saying it’s a good or bad thing, it’s just something I noticed. (It’s definitely a bad thing)

Overall Rating: Somebody send these goddamn writers to hell, am I right? (ba dum tss)/10

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan Review

I wonder how soon after coming up with the idea to set this movie in Manhattan the filmmakers realized that it’s impossible to have a slasher movie set in a huge city full of cops and people who can help you out. Either way, they decided the solution was just to spend half the movie on a boat. The premise is that like a high school class are all taking a big cruise to New York for graduation, and Jason gets on board the boat. Along with the vaguely defined number of generic partying teenagers, there’s a stuffy old parent/chaperone guy who’s always trying to put an end to all the sex and drug-taking. (There’s a really creepy scene where he hooks up with one of the hot young teenage girls). There’s also this girl who keeps seeing visions of Jason where ever she goes. After the last movie, I thought maybe she had some kind of powers, but it turns out that she just has repressed memories of her asshole dad almost drowning her or something. I don’t know, it’s weird and vague. Anyway, after an hour or so of boobs and stabbing, the boat catches fire and sinks, with a handful of character making it out in a lifeboat. They row to New York, where Jason then comes out of the water, having swam behind their boat I guess? What’s really weird is that the second the get on land, some guys jump out and mug them. Which I guess would have been a fine moment on its’ own, but then the muggers kidnap the main girl, stick heroin into her veins, and try to rape her. Jason shows up to kill them before they anything to her, but it’s kind of an out of place scene. Anyway, so Jason chases the kids around the city for a while, killing people all along the way, until eventually the main girl and her boyf manage to electrocute (even though that brought him back to life earlier in the movie) Jason to death. And by “to death” I mean that his entire body crumbles away and there’s a chubby little 12 year old in boxer shorts underneath. Yeah, I have no idea. I guess the girl was having another hallucination? She has been seeing shit the whole movie, and she is technically still on heroin. But the guy seems to see it too. And if she is hallucinating, then what did happen to Jason? These questions are too big for one man to answer. There’s not really much more to say about this movie. It’s like all the other ones, but maybe a little stupider. The special effects kind of suck in this one, though. A lot of the kills are off-screen and when Jason’s mask comes off, he looks like if Crazy Frog had a baby with Sloth from the Goonies. I guess this movie’s not the worst one in the series, but it just seems like such a ridiculous premise to send Jason to New York City. Almost as ridiculous as sending him to hell. Or space. Ahem.

Overall Rating: I’M ON A BOAT/10

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood Review

This movie starts out like every Friday the 13th movie, with a little girl accidentally killing her father with her crazy telekinetic powers. Yep! The main character in this one is a girl who was just born with all sorts of insane mental powers, because I guess it’s X-Men rules now? Anyway, we cut to several years later, when the little psychic girl is now a hot blonde teenager, because of course. She’s going up to stay with her therapist and mother in their old house by the lake, where she killed her dad. And by total coincidence, it happens to not only be the same lake, but the exact same dock where Jason was drowned at the end of the last movie. So Jason comes back to life and starts killing teenagers, because of course, and the movie basically follows standard slasher movie format, ending with a battle between Jason and lil’ Jean Grey over here. It’s a pretty sweet final fight. In this one Jason’s been like decomposing underwater for a few years, so his face is super gnarly when the mask comes off towards the end. The weirdest part of this movie is the very end; they’re fighting on the dock, and Jean Grey uses her powers to bring her dead dad back to life. He like comes up from underwater and drags Jason down with him. So I guess her powers are actually more like Essokinesis,  or the ability to warp reality, so perhaps Scarlet Witch would have been a better analogy than Jean Grey. And if Jason like can’t die or whatever, then is he just sitting at the bottom of the lake being bear-hugged by the dad after this movie ends? Other than that, it’s your standard one of these. It seems like they’re willing to throw in any conceivable ideas to shake things up, but somehow they just end up feeling more stale than ever. Man, a girl with mind powers? What’s next, is Jason gonna take a trip to some whacky tourist destination? Wouldn’t that be weird, if they sent him to like L.A. or Chicago or something?

Overall Rating: Maximoff/10

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI Review

So then I guess they decided to bring Jason back, because, fuck it. This movie starts with Tommy, the protagonist of the last two films, again played by a different actor (the guy from Return of the Living Dead, believe it or not), going to dig up Jason’s body and burn it, and his buddy goes with him, cause that’s something friends do together. After digging up Jason’s body they continue to make poor decisions for a while, and they end up sticking a giant metal pole into Jason. The inevitable(?) then happens, when lightning strikes the pole, bringing Jason back to life. Cause I guess we’re doing, like, Frankenstein rules now?Anyway, the rest of the movie is just Jason running around the town that used to be Crystal Lake, slashing a myriad of different folks in the faces with a machete. Tommy spends the whole movie being chased around by the cops, who arrested him for trying to tell them that Jason was back. So we have this whole awkward b-plot of these two bumbling asshole cops chasing around this one kid. Eventually the two cross paths for a final third act showdown between Jason and Tommy, because hey, it worked the last two times. This one’s pretty much like the last one. It’s a little sillier, but somehow a little darker as well. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Jason’s chubby pig head is now all grey and zombified-looking. Another decently entertaining but ultimately void of substance entry in the series! Great, moving on.

Overall Rating: Now I can’t stop imagining who would win in a fight between Frankenstein and Jason Voorhees/10