Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday Review

So we’re on part 9 now, and this is the second movie in the franchise with a title that a) abandons the numbering pattern, and b) claims to be the final movie only for another sequel to be released a few years later. The story picks up several years down the line, and Jason has been back from his apparent death at the end of the last movie for a while now. What I kind of like is that they seem to have progressed the character and universe appropriately for how much time has passed. It feels like we’ve missed a few sequels, and during that time things have changed, but we’ve seen enough of these to piece together what happened pretty easily. It feels easily explainable without requiring an explanation. Anyway, I guess by this point Jason has become enough of a problem that the army had to get involved, and so in the first scene they show up and blow the shit out of Jason with a bunch of machine guns and rocket launchers. Dude gets dead, for reals this time. However, in the morgue, the coroner eats Jason’s heart and then becomes possessed by his soul. I want you to go back and read that sentence over as many times as you need to. The premise of this one is that Jason Vorhees isn’t necessarily a physical being, as much as he is like a spirit of evil that can be passed from body to body. So every time that Jason kills someone, he jumps into their body, and the one he was in before dissolves into mush. (We only see it once, but it’s a very cool effect. Lots of blood and guts). It also turns out that Jason had a sister, who is now all grown up and has a daughter in her late 20’s. Apparently, if Jason kills someone within his own bloodline, he can get his own body back. However, if someone in his family were to kill him, he would stay dead permanently, and that’s the only way to kill him. I’d like to take a second to point out that real people actually wrote this movie. So he’s after his sister, his niece, and the niece’s little baby. How do we know all this, you ask? Well, there’s a friendly bounty hunter who’s been chasing Jason, and he just knows all of this. He spends the whole movie just explaining these rules to the other characters, without once mentioning why those are the rules or how he knows them. A bunch of bullshit happens, including a physical embodiment of Jason’s soul as a little slimy lizard monster, and then eventually Jason get his body back, The movie ends up with a final showdown with Jason and his niece. She stabs him in the chest, and a portal to hell opens up, and Jason is dragged away by demon hands, because I guess their writing strategy was just “fuck it, this is probably the last one, let’s just go nuts with it”. Basically this movie is dumb. And weird. And doesn’t even feel like a fucking Friday the 13th movie at all, with almost no teenagers, very little of Jason in his own body, and a setting that goes more “small town” than “cabin in the woods”. Also there’s a really awkward Evil Dead reference, and a cliffhanger for a Nightmare On Elm Street crossover that wouldn’t come out for another ten years. Also also, there’s way less nudity in these later ones than in the earlier movies. I’m not saying it’s a good or bad thing, it’s just something I noticed. (It’s definitely a bad thing)

Overall Rating: Somebody send these goddamn writers to hell, am I right? (ba dum tss)/10

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