Jason X Review

What’s weird about this one is that it almost never appears in any of the boxed sets or collections of the Friday the 13th movies. It never even gets played on TV during October when some channel marathons the series. It’s almost treated like a spinoff or something, and I guess you could argue that it technically doesn’t have Friday the 13th in the title. But it clearly is the same continuity, and the X in the title is obviously a reference to the roman numeral for 10, because it’s the 10th movie. I guess the movie was so bad that its own franchise disowned it. And watching the movie, it’s easy to see why. The movie starts in the future year of 2010, which is also now the past. The government has captured Jason (back from hell now I guess, because fuck it) and the plans to cryogenically freeze him are put on hold by some greedy dick-hole scientists who want to study and duplicate Jason’s uncanny inborn healing ability so help safe countless lives. Those bastards! Anyway, before they can do anything, Jason breaks free and goes on a short killing spree before some scientist chick manages to put him into cryo-freeze, but not before also getting her own dumb self frozen. We then jump to the year 2455, where a team of research students are on a routine archeology mission on the now abandoned and unliveable Earth, where they find Jason and the scientist chick. Look, literally everything in this movie is ridiculous, so if I stop and address every single point we’ll be hear all day. Just bear with me. Anyway, they bring the scientist back to life, but decide to leave Jason dead. But of course he comes back anyway, because OF COURSE, and he starts killing everyone. The entire rest of the movie is basically just a really shitty ripoff of Alien and Aliens with Jason Voorhees in the place of the Xenomorph. And that’s not an exaggeration. The whole movie is set in one spaceship, in the middle of nowhere without communications, with Jason stalking down and killing crew members one by one. There are space marines early on in the movie, there’s a lifelike android character who gets her body destroyed near the end and is just a talking head for the last twenty minutes, and who also looks a lot like Bishop. (There’s also a weird love story between her and this scientist dude, including a scene where he’s helping her install fake robot nipples. But that’s neither here nor there). There’s even a scene towards the end with character getting sucked out of a hole into space like the end of Aliens. And finally, towards the end, Jason gets rebuilt as some sort of ridiculous cyborg, which the credits refer to as “Uber Jason”. Basically, this whole movie feels like a Friday the 13th fan fiction written by a horny twelve year old who had seen Alien and Aliens too many times. But the funniest part is the end, where Jason ends up flying out into space, only to end of landing on “Earth 2”, where humanity has now settled after leaving the original Earth. Two teenagers sitting in the woods see him fall into a lake, and go to check it out. Like, seriously? They thought they were going to have sequels with Jason killing kids on a parallel future earth? That’s insane! Thankfully, this finally was the last Friday the 13th movie. Unless you count Freddy vs. Jason. Or the 2009 remake. God damn it, this series just won’t end.

Overall Rating: Worst Fucking Movie Ever Probably/10

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