Fantastic Four was one of those movies that came out in the wake of the original Spider-Man and X-Men movies. Like Daredevil, of Ghost Rider, or Ang Lee’s Hulk. And like a lot of those movies, it sucked ass. This was one of the ones I liked as a kid, and then as I grew up I sort of realized it sucked. Like a lot of pre-Chris Nolan Batman superhero movies, one of the major problems is that they don’t take the movie seriously at all. It’s just a random collection of bad action sequences and cheesy wink-to-the-audience jokes. It came out in 2005, and unlike the X-Men or Spider-Man films it feels very specific to that time. The song choices and bad CGI date this movie horribly, and while it is great for some 2000’s nostalgia, there’s no real value beyond that in watching this movie today. The cast is decent; I actually really like Chris Evans as the Human Torch. He’s probably the best part of the movie. And his chemistry with Michael Chiklis as the Thing is great. Their love/hate relationship feels like it leapt right off the page. Speaking of the Thing, I actually think the rubber suit looks really awesome. Sure, it’s a little corny, but whatever serious-looking CGI version of him they whip up for the reboot is not going to look as good. In terms of Mr. Fantastic, Ioan Gruffud looks a lot like Reed Richards, but his actual performance is fairly forgettable. The only really glaring flaw in the casting of the main four is Jessica Alba as Sue Storm. The whole point of Sue Storm is to be the quiet librarian type who you don’t realize is hot until she takes her glasses off. And when she does, she has the brain and attitude to command respect beyond her physical appearance. In this movie Jessica Alba has none of that intelligence or gravitas and is just kind of there to be hot. Insulting. Sexist. Demeaning. What else is new in Hollywood? But I could probably forgive all of that and call it fun in a shitty way if it wasn’t for the single biggest reason that I hate this movie: Doctor Doom. They took Marvel’s most unique and badass villain and turned him into a classic hollywood caricature of an evil wealthy business man. And they took his amazing range of both mystical and scientific abilities and turned it into a guy with metal skin who shoots fucking lightning bolts. I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it anymore. This review is over. Fuck this movie.
Overall Rating: Entirely Un-Fantastic/10