The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Review

Ugh so yeah I saw this fucking movie. I wanted not to, cause the first two were terrible, but I did so I’ll talk about it. Now, we all know how shitty it is that they insisted on making this into three different movies, and how it makes every instalment feel long and drawn out and poorly paced and incomplete, but it’s with this movie that the decision of where to split the movies becomes an issue. (Warning: spoilers ahead). So the last movie ends with Smaug about to go fuck up that town, and leaves us on a cliffhanger as to what’s going to happen with all of that. Then the whole marketing strategy for this third movie was “holy shit you’re gonna get to see a whole lot of Smaug”. Hell, they even had the giant CGI dragon go on The Colbert Report to promote the movie. Then they kill him in the first ten minutes. Seriously, the movie starts with this huge battle with Smaug, then the good guys win, and the entire rest of the movie has absolutely nothing to do with Smaug. It’s almost as if they took the climax of the second movie and tacked it on to the beginning of this one, leaving the second movie feeling incomplete and missing an ending, and the third movie failing to draw you into the plot with an unrelated opening, just so that they could tease the cliffhanger between movies in an attempt to boost ticket sales. Anyway, now that we’ve talked about what selfish greedy assholes the studio heads are, with no regard for the actual quality of the film, let’s talk about the movie. Just like the first two, it’s full of terrible CGI, has a bunch of stupid irrelevant side-plots, and has no characters who you actually give a shit about. There are so many over the top action moments in which characters totally should have died, but don’t. Like when the dragon is fighting two guys in a tower, and it keep swiping past the tower and breaking off pieces of it, but never actually knocking them off or destroying the tower. They spend so much time on long drawn out scenes of shit no one wants to see, and then hint at but refuse to actually show anything legitimately cool. They show these giant Tremors worms come out of the ground, then we never see them again. We see the giant eagles swoop in, and then we never see them again. We see the bear-dude jump into the middle of a pile of Orcs, and then we never see him again. Fuck this movie. Fuck this trilogy. Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.

At least it’s finally fucking over/10