So apparently someone decided that Rob Zombie’s first attempt at a Halloween movie was good enough that he should actually get more creative control on the sequel, and as a result, man, is this movie ever nuts. The movie starts with a very abbreviated version of the events in the original Halloween II, which then turns out to be a dream sequence. Get used to those. So we pick up with Laurie Strode, who’s now a psychotic wreck after the first movie. She’s now living with her friend the sheriff’s daughter, who somehow is not dead after we pretty much saw her die in the last one, but whatever. Most of this movie is just about Laurie Strode dealing with her mental health and stuff. She’s having all these fucked up dreams about Michael Meyers and shit, and she’s seeing a therapist and taking drugs. It’s kind of a funny idea, a horror movie sequel that’s just about the main character mentally breaking down after surviving the first one, but it’s all super weird and not that interesting. Also, Loomis is still alive, again after having his fucking eyes gouged out and being left for dead in the last one. He’s just fine and they never mention it. Basically he’s famous now after writing a book about Michael Meyers after the events of the last movie became national news. He spends the whole movie doing talk shows and yelling at his assistant and generally being a diva. It’s a very weird turn for the character. So eventually Michael Meyers comes back, with no explanation whatsoever to how he survived a point blank gunshot to the head in the last one, and starts killing Laurie’s friends. We even get basically the exact same scene of her crying over her sheriff’s daughter friends as she’s dying. Except this time, she actually dies. Unless they ever make a third one and arbitrarily decide that she’s alive again. Now, throughout the whole movie we’ve been getting these weird dream/flashback sequences, some of which seem to be from Laurie’s perspective, and some from Michael Meyers’s. They all involve Michael’s stripper mom, and a white horse for some reason. Basically they explain that Michael is after Laurie so that his mom will come back and they can be a family again. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be him imagining that, or Laurie imagining that, or if she’s a real ghost putting images in both of their heads. Either way Michael kidnaps Laurie and takes her to some shack in the middle of nowhere, where the police follow and surround them. Loomis shows up out of nowhere and convinces them to let him go talk to Michael (yeah, that always works). He goes in and finds Laurie tripping the fuck out thinking she’s being held by an imaginary little kid Michael Meyers. I don’t get it either. Then we get I think the first ever word we’ve heard spoken by adult Michael Meyers in any of these movies: he yells “DIE!” before stabbing Dr. Loomis in the chest. Yep, that’s his big Silent Bob moment, his only line. Die. How original. He also looses his mask and looks like a big fat hillbilly trucker with a beard. He then gets blown to bits by the police, and the movie expects us to just accept that he’s dead despite having survived that exact thing before. Then Laurie comes out and one of the cops just fucking unloads on her. She takes like three shots to the torso and goes down. Then we see here in a white room, which I guess is supposed to be heaven. She looks up and sees Michael’s (and I guess her) stripper mom ghost and the white horse. She smiles and that’s the end of the movie. I guess the idea is that now that they’re all dead they’re a family again? Or that now that she’s dead she doesn’t have to live with all her mental issues so she’s finally at peace? I still don’t get the horse. And why did the cops shoot her anyway? We never find out. This movie is such a confusing mess. What the fuck were they even thinking? Like did Rob Zombie just go “fuck this shit” and decide to just make the whole thing make no sense? Ugh, you know, I love the original Halloween, but man, it has got to be the most downhill franchise ever. Like Nightmare On Elm Street managed to stay creative and interesting, even as they got more comedic, and Friday the 13th gets so bad it’s good, but these fucking Halloween movies just get more and more unbearable. You know what, I would say watch the first three. The original is a classic, the sequel is some good dumb fun, and the third one is a hilarious fuckin trip. All the others are a waste of goddamn time.
Overall Rating: Somehow worse than every other Halloween movie/10