Halloween II (2009) Review

So apparently someone decided that Rob Zombie’s first attempt at a Halloween movie was good enough that he should actually get more creative control on the sequel, and as a result, man, is this movie ever nuts. The movie starts with a very abbreviated version of the events in the original Halloween II, which then turns out to be a dream sequence. Get used to those. So we pick up with Laurie Strode, who’s now a psychotic wreck after the first movie. She’s now living with her friend the sheriff’s daughter, who somehow is not dead after we pretty much saw her die in the last one, but whatever. Most of this movie is just about Laurie Strode dealing with her mental health and stuff. She’s having all these fucked up dreams about Michael Meyers and shit, and she’s seeing a therapist and taking drugs. It’s kind of a funny idea, a horror movie sequel that’s just about the main character mentally breaking down after surviving the first one, but it’s all super weird and not that interesting. Also, Loomis is still alive, again after having his fucking eyes gouged out and being left for dead in the last one. He’s just fine and they never mention it. Basically he’s famous now after writing a book about Michael Meyers after the events of the last movie became national news. He spends the whole movie doing talk shows and yelling at his assistant and generally being a diva. It’s a very weird turn for the character. So eventually Michael Meyers comes back, with no explanation whatsoever to how he survived a point blank gunshot to the head in the last one, and starts killing Laurie’s friends. We even get basically the exact same scene of her crying over her sheriff’s daughter friends as she’s dying. Except this time, she actually dies. Unless they ever make a third one and arbitrarily decide that she’s alive again. Now, throughout the whole movie we’ve been getting these weird dream/flashback sequences, some of which seem to be from Laurie’s perspective, and some from Michael Meyers’s. They all involve Michael’s stripper mom, and a white horse for some reason. Basically they explain that Michael is after Laurie so that his mom will come back and they can be a family again. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be him imagining that, or Laurie imagining that, or if she’s a real ghost putting images in both of their heads. Either way Michael kidnaps Laurie and takes her to some shack in the middle of nowhere, where the police follow and surround them. Loomis shows up out of nowhere and convinces them to let him go talk to Michael (yeah, that always works). He goes in and finds Laurie tripping the fuck out thinking she’s being held by an imaginary little kid Michael Meyers. I don’t get it either. Then we get I think the first ever word we’ve heard spoken by adult Michael Meyers in any of these movies: he yells “DIE!” before stabbing Dr. Loomis in the chest. Yep, that’s his big Silent Bob moment, his only line. Die. How original. He also looses his mask and looks like a big fat hillbilly trucker with a beard. He then gets blown to bits by the police, and the movie expects us to just accept that he’s dead despite having survived that exact thing before. Then Laurie comes out and one of the cops just fucking unloads on her. She takes like three shots to the torso and goes down. Then we see here in a white room, which I guess is supposed to be heaven. She looks up and sees Michael’s (and I guess her) stripper mom ghost and the white horse. She smiles and that’s the end of the movie. I guess the idea is that now that they’re all dead they’re a family again? Or that now that she’s dead she doesn’t have to live with all her mental issues so she’s finally at peace? I still don’t get the horse. And why did the cops shoot her anyway? We never find out. This movie is such a confusing mess. What the fuck were they even thinking? Like did Rob Zombie just go “fuck this shit” and decide to just make the whole thing make no sense? Ugh, you know, I love the original Halloween, but man, it has got to be the most downhill franchise ever. Like Nightmare On Elm Street managed to stay creative and interesting, even as they got more comedic, and Friday the 13th gets so bad it’s good, but these fucking Halloween movies just get more and more unbearable. You know what, I would say watch the first three. The original is a classic, the sequel is some good dumb fun, and the third one is a hilarious fuckin trip. All the others are a waste of goddamn time. 

Overall Rating: Somehow worse than every other Halloween movie/10


Halloween (2007) Review

So I legitimately thought about just making this review “uuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhh” for an entire paragraph, but I ultimately decided it would be a copout not to actually talk about why this movie sucks so hard. I mean first of all, it’s a stupid remake, which is never good. But they gave it to Rob Zombie, who’s like an actual creative director with a a passion for the horror genre, so how could you go wrong? Well, apparently you can go real fuckin wrong. This movie almost feels like a parody of a Rob Zombie movie. It’s like, every character is a dumb redneck, it’s full of out-of-place classic rock songs, everything is just a shade too violent and sexual for no reason other than shock value, ect. Also there are the prerequisite gratuitous shots of his wife’s ass. Anyway, so this movie spends the first hour on Michael Meyers’s origins. First of all, nope. That’s totally the wrong direction for a remake. First of all, nobody like prequels. And as I already talked about at length in my Halloween 6 review, the whole cool thing about Michael Meyers is his lack of explanation. Little kid goes crazy and kills his sister for no reason. That’s all you need to know. The POV shot and the reveal of the kid in the clown mask holding the knife in the original are all you need to set up the entire character. Yet Rob Zombie feels the need to go all “psychology of a serial killer” on him. But you know what, that could have worked. It’s certainly a different direction from the original, but it’s a remake, you can do something a little different. The problem is that it’s the laziest most generic serial killer origin story you could possibly think up. Chubby little loner, lives in the south, has an abusive stepdad and a stripper mom, kills wild animals, blah blah blah. It’s like they just threw in every cliche they could think of. And on top of that, it’s really kind of embarrassing to see one of the greatest movie killers of all time as a fat little white kid with long hair and a KISS t-shirt. Eventually he kills his sister, but that’s long and overblown too. We get this whole thing of him going through the house, and he kills his stepdad and his sister’s boyfriends too, it’s like a twenty minute sequence. But the whole thing is totally ruined by the fact that we’ve seen this kid be a creepy little fuck the whole movie. I mean he even killed a bully from school out in the woods earlier that day. The whole shock of this innocent little kid suddenly doing something horrible is totally gone. Then we spend some time with him growing up at the mental hospital, where he becomes friends with fucking Danny Trejo, who’s one of the guards. Then about an hour in we meet a much more vapid and annoying version of Laurie Strode and the rest of the movie is basically the original in half the time. In fact, it’s so much like the original it’s crazy. They basically just cut out all the filler and sped up all the suspenseful stuff. What was even the point? Why spend an hour tricking us into thinking it’s gonna be different if it’s not? The only real change is that they do the whole Laurie Strode is Michael’s long lost sister thing from the second one. Also, Dr. Loomis gets his fucking eyes gouged out by Michael Meyers. Also, for some reason Dr. Loomis is played by Malcolm McDowell. It’s weird. I guess they thought his acting calibre might save this piece of shit, but he’s just sort of distracting. Anyway, the movie sucks. Go home.

Overall Rating: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh/10

Halloween: Resurrection Review

I can’t fucking wait for November. I have goddamn had it with shitty fucking Halloween movies. Thought the last one was a nice conclusion to the series? Well it did sort of well, so here’s a fucking sequel. And this one got fucking lazy. So in the first five minutes we find out that Michael Meyers survived the end of H20 by switching places with someone else. Yep, it turns out Jamie Lee Curtis decapitated a paramedic in a Michael Meyers mask who had his larynx damaged so he couldn’t speak, and the real Michael slipped away. Fucking retarded. So we pick up three years down the line with Jamie Lee Curtis now catatonic in a mental hospital after being driven insane by her guilt. But don’t be fooled, this movie is not about her. Michael shows back up and murders the shit out of her before the opening titles. I guess they couldn’t get her to come back for a whole nother movie. Anyway so then we finally get to the premise of this movie, which is that some reality tv network is doing a show where they send college kids with cameras in to investigate the old Meyers residence, where of course Michael shows up and starts butchering people. But you know what that means? FOUND FUCKING FOOTAGE!!!! Yep, after the last one totally ripped off Scream, this time around they decided the hot new horror movie to do a cheap cash-in of was Blair Witch Project. But instead of like actual good digital cameras, they use these shitty little head mounted things, and the resolution on them is terrible. Plus it’s all intercut with a shit ton of non-found footage stuff, so what was even the point? So the footage is also being live streamed over the internet, and near the end of the movie the girl manages to survive by talking to her friend on fucking g-chat or whatever who’s watching the stream at home, and can see where Michael is in the house from the different cameras. It’s like this movie tried to be the hip cool modern day version of Halloween, with cell phones and the internet and all that young people stuff. But it was made in fucking 2002. So it’s really just kind of embarrassing. But I haven’t even gotten to the best part. The people running the live stream haunted house reality show thing are fucking Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks. I don’t know who thought of that combination of people for a Halloween movie or why they even agreed to be in it, but it’s hilarious. Near the end Busta Rhymes actually starts fighting Michael. At one point he yells “Trick or treat, motherfucker!”. Basically this movie is terribly. The dialogue is obnoxious, the characters are annoying, all the plot twist make no sense, the entire premise is stupid, like they’re all in this one fairly small house the whole time, but nobody ever hears any of the noise anybody else makes in any other part of the house, even when they’re like screaming and shit, it’s so dumb, and the fucking found footage stuff is the worst, and, once a-fucking-gain, there’s not a single kill I would call particularly creative or memorable. It’s almost worth it to see Busta Rhymes turn back to Michael Meyers’s dead body and go “Hey Mikey, happy fuckin’ Halloween” but I would just look up the clip on youtube and skip this piece of shit. Ironic that it was called Resurrection, because in actuality it killed the franchise so dead that the only person who wanted to touch it was Rob Zombie.

Overall Rating: About as bad as every other movie with Resurrection in the title/10

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later Review

So in 1998 it had been twenty years since the original Halloween, and I guess they figured since they brought Michael Meyers back on the 10 year anniversary, this year it was time to get Jamie Lee Curtis back into the mix. But let’s address something right off the bat; isn’t her character dead? The beginning of the fourth movie established that she died in a car accident sometime after the second one, and we follow her orphaned daughter through most of 4 and 5. We even see her daughter’s daughter in the sixth one. Well, this movie seems to disregard all of that. The characters talk about Michael Meyers having gone on one single killing spree 20 years ago, and having not been seen and presumed dead since, which means that only the first two movies are cannon, 4 through 6 never happened. But then they actually do acknowledge Jamie Lee Curtis dying in a car crash, with the explanation being that she faked her death and changed her name so that no one could find her. That’s consistent with 4-6, but we’ve already established those never happened. And if they did, does that mean that she abandoned her own daughter when she faked her death? And what about the girl’s father, who also died in the accident, was his death fake too? Where is he in this movie? Point being, the timeline is a complete clusterfuck. But the movie is actually not that bad. I mean, it’s definitely not good, but it’s a big step up from the last few. Basically Jamie Lee Curtis’s character is now a single mom who’s spent the last 20 years paranoid about Michael Meyers coming back for her. She’s also the principal at the boarding school that her 17 year old son attends, which is where the whole movie takes place. Most of the first hour is just bullshit around the school with the teenage couples who do nothing but talk about sex, the setups of dumb excuses for the place to be empty for the final act chase, and more annoying patronizing false scares than you can shake a stick at. It’s all really just buildup to the final act, where it’s a one on one showdown between Jamie Lee Curtis and Michael Meyers. She’s been through this all before, so she knows his tricks this time and is ready for them. It’s sort of Scream-esque. In fact, they actually are watching the first Scream movie on tv at one point. But doesn’t Scream make specific mention of the original Halloween several times? They even show clips from it at one point, and the characters talk about it’s flaws and the tropes it established. How can the movie Scream exist within the universe of the Halloween movies? That blows my mind. Anyway, so yeah, they kind of play with the tropes a little. For example, in the first movie, she hides in the closet. This time, Michael looks for her in the closet and she jumps out from behind him and hits him over the head. Then at the very end when they think he’s dead, she GTAs the ambulance he’s in and takes him out to the woods and decapitates him, just to be sure. It gets a little silly, but I appreciate what they’re trying to do, and getting to see the original scream queen come back one more time to get her payback is some nice fan service. Speaking of fan service, they’re also a nice cameo from Janet Lee, Jamie Lee’s mother and star of Psycho, which many consider to be the original slasher movie. What lets this movie down, yet again, are the bland kills. They’re almost all just generic stabbings, and the body count is surprisingly low. There’s even one seen where a kid has to reach into a garbage disposal, and they’re building all this tension, and then turns around and just gets his throat slit by Michael Meyers. How do you set that up and then not show us some fingers getting mashed to bits? Fucking ridiculous. Another thing worth mentioning is that a teenaged Joseph Gordon Levitt gets an ice skate to the face in he first twenty minutes, so that’s pretty cool. At the end of the day, it’s not a great movie, but it’s better than it’s incredibly terrible title would lead you to believe.

Overall Rating: 2 hydrogen 1 oxygen/10

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers Review

Somehow these movies just keep getting worse. This one starts with a violent childbirth scene for whatever reason. Then we get a quick explanation of the cliffhanger that ended the last movie. See, the last movie ended with Michael Meyers in jail, then the little girl runs in and the jail doors are like blown open and there’s fire and dead cops everywhere and Michael’s gone. I guess since Halloween 5 followed so closely after Halloween 4 they figured part 6 would do the same, but they ended up waiting like seven years. So in this one, everyone thinks Michael is dead after the explosion at the jail (yeah cause the last two times he exploded, he definitely stayed dead). Anyway, so the little girl who was Jamie Lee Curtis’s daughter has a baby (do the years check out there? She was like real young in the last one. Whatever). Anyway, so because Jamie Lee Curtis was Michael Meyers’s long lost sister, this baby is his grand-neice I guess? Which mean he’s gonna come kill her. Then at the same time, relatives of the family who adopted Jamie Lee Curtis are living in the old Meyers house where his first murder took place, and the oldest daughter of that family also has a small kid. Confused yet? But there’s more, living across the street from them is little Tommy Doyle, the kid that Jamie Lee Curtis was babysitting on Halloween night in the original movie, now all grown up. Like fuck, you think that’s enough connections? Couldn’t they have a single goddamn character who wasn’t somehow tied to the characters in the original movie? But check this out, Tommy Doyle is played by none other than a very young Paul Rudd. Dead serious. Fucking 19 year old Paul Rudd running around in a goddamn Halloween movie, as if anything could make you take this thing less seriously. He’s actually pretty good, though. He’s character is kind of a creepy loner who’s spent his whole life preparing for Michael Meyers to come back for him, and he pulls it off well. The major problem with this movie is the plot. Basically we find out that there’s this secret cult who are controlling Michael Meyers, making him kill his family members. See apparently every few Halloweens the constellations align to form a thorn, the mark of pure evil, and in order to concentrate that evil and not allow it to effect anyone, this ancient society came up with a way to focus all the evil to one family, brainwashing one of the members to murder his entire bloodline. That’s why Michael killed his sister as a kid, it’s why he comes back to Haddonfield every few Halloweens, and it’s why he’s so obsessed with killing his relatives. Basically all the mystery, all the chilling uncertainty, all the gravitas of Dr. Loomis’s “simply evil” speech from the first movie, all totally undone with this ridiculous explanation. If you’re ever making a horror movie, here’s a tip: nothing is scary after you spend an hour explaining it. What made Michael Meyers so interesting was that we didn’t know why he killed. We didn’t need to establish rules and a backstory for it. It totally ruins the whole franchise. What the fuck were they thinking? Now, there’s another thing we gotta talk about, and it’s also a major problem with the film, and one that’s really nobody’s fault. You see, Donald Pleasance passed away before they finished shooting the movie. It’s clear by the way the story flows that he was meant to have a bigger part, but they didn’t get most of his stuff shot in time. As a result, he’s barely in the movie. He mostly shows up for the occasional scene here or there. And the ending is the worst part. After Paul Rudd beats Michael Meyers to death with a pipe (just take in for a second that that is literally the climax of this movie), we see the surviving characters taking off in a van. They try to get Dr. Loomis to come with them, and he’s all “no, I’ve got unfinished business here”. And so they drive off and leave him at the abandoned insane asylum with the dead body of the dude who literally is never dead when you think he is. Then we get a few panning shots of the interior, before we see where Michael’s body was, and he’s gone, of course, and we just see his mask lying there. Then while we’re looking at it there’s a really awkward screaming sound from Donald Pleasance offscreen that you can tell was a recording from something else, and then the movie just ends. Apparently they were gonna have a final showdown between Loomis and Meyers that they never got to film. It’s a shame, because that might have been a cool way to go out, both for Pleasance and the Halloween franchise. Either way, this movie is a piece of shit that’s not even fun to watch ironically. Oh, and I forgot to mention, at one point they reveal that Michael Meyers raped his own niece and impregnated her with the baby he’s now trying to kill. So just in case you also wanted horribly disgusting sex crimes with your shlock, this has that too. What a fucking trainwreck.

Overall Rating: Curse-ey/10

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers Review

The opening credits of the original Halloween take place over a slow zoom-in shot of a jack o’lantern over the tense, slowly building synth theme. It’s chilling and creepy and totally draws you into the movie. The opening credits of this movie take place over a fast, quick-cut sequence of a jack o’lantern being slashed to pieces with a scythe over heavy rock music. That says pretty much everything you need to know about this movie. Just like the last one, it’s full of annoying stupid characters, bad comic relief, and not very interesting kills. We pick up shortly after the end of the fourth one, where we find out, surprise, surprise, Michael Meyers survived the barrage of bullets and explosions, and was taken in by some creepy old man in a cabin (?) until a year later on the following Halloween, when he comes back to murder his niece from the last movie, who’s now in therapy after stabbing her step-mother. It’s at this point in the series where it’s painfully obvious that Donald Pleasance is the only good part of these movies. He just fully commits, despite how silly both the movie and his character are.  He’s still running around screaming like a crazy person telling everyone how pure evil Michael Meyers is. He’s fun to watch no matter what else is going on. Unfortunately, there isn’t the much else going on. There’s a bunch of pointless “oh look that guy is wearing a Michael Meyers mask and pretending to stab a girl in front of the police and everyone is fake screaming about it but its actually just a prank” bullshit false scares, there’s still all this who’s-sleeping-with-who high school drama bullcrap, and this time around there’s also some vague and nonsensical subplot about the little girl having a psychic connection with Michael. Then I spent most of the rest of the movie contemplating the incredible pointlessness of every action, every decision, every thought we ever have, how we’re all just particles of dust hurtling through space on a fragile rock, how we’ll all live, die and be forgotten without even making a minuscule difference on any sort of cosmic scale, and how all we do with our pathetic tiny lives is cry out “notice me, remember me”, trying desperately to make some kind of mark on those around us, just to prove that we exist. Then when I zoned back in Michael Meyers was shoving a pitchfork through a guy’s torso while he has sex, and that was pretty cool. Basically this movie is just as much of a run of the mill, unoriginal, uninteresting, un-scary slasher crapfest as the last one. Also there’s a part where you see Michael Meyers’s face, and he’s just like a normal looking white dude. Lame.

Overall Rating: Revenge-y/10

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers Review

As the title implies, we’re done with all the weird masks and robots and witchcraft, and back to the straight forward slasher formula. Coming out ten year after the original, it’s essentially the generic ripoff cash-in sequel that you would have expected to be made from Halloween. Basically Michael Meyers is back in the mental hospital after the Halloween night we see in the first two movies. His and Dr. Loomis’s return from the dead after being pretty severely exploded at the end of Halloween II is brushed over with one line, “they both almost burned to death”. Yeah, sure, whatever, I guess it’s better than the whole lightning bolt thing from Friday the 13th Part VI. And so Michael Meyers escapes, again, Dr. Loomis goes to chase him down, again, and then we see a whole bunch of murder, again. The main character this time is a little girl, who we find out is actually Jamie Lee Curtis’s character’s daughter, who’s living with a foster family after her parent died in a car crash. Kind of a shitty way to kill off your main character from the first two movies in between films, but I guess if the Terminator franchise could do it, what the hey. And don’t worry, she’ll be back in a few more sequels when they rewrite the timeline. We’ll get there a little later. Anyway, so Michael Meyers is after this girl because she’s his neice, and he has some weird obsession with killing his family members. Even ones he’s never met and realistically wouldn’t even have any way of knowing existed. The rest of the movie is basically two hours of bad 80s dialogue, annoying teenager relationship drama, and the occasional fairly standard, boring kill. I mean this movie is just so forgettable. It has none of the subtle chilling tone of the original, and none of the comical over the top kills of say, the later Friday movies. It’s not really that bad, it’s totally serviceable, it just sort of gets lost in the shuffle with every other late 80s slasher movie that’s exactly the same as this one. And btw, Michael Meyers doesn’t look write in this movie. The actors too bulky, the mask is too clean and bright, I don’t know, it’s just off. The only cool part is the very end, when they’ve finally killed Michael Meyers for good (yeah right), and the little girl is all traumatized and stuff, and then she goes nuts and stabs her sister to death in a way that mirrors Michael Meyers’s first murder from when he was a kid. It’s a pretty ballsy move to have the main kid protagonist become the murderer at the end, and it’s made even better by Donald Pleasance’s insane overacting when he shouts “NO, NO!!!” over and over again. But it’s also kind of ruined by the fact that Friday the 13th did the exact same thing four years earlier. The only real difference is that in this one it’s not the Feldog. Weird how that series started off as a generic ripoff of Halloween, and then the later Halloween sequels ended up ripping them off. Anyway, if you want to watch a bad 80s slasher there are many that are much more entertaining than this one. I’d give it a big ol’ skip.

Overall Rating: Return-ey/10