Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers Review

The opening credits of the original Halloween take place over a slow zoom-in shot of a jack o’lantern over the tense, slowly building synth theme. It’s chilling and creepy and totally draws you into the movie. The opening credits of this movie take place over a fast, quick-cut sequence of a jack o’lantern being slashed to pieces with a scythe over heavy rock music. That says pretty much everything you need to know about this movie. Just like the last one, it’s full of annoying stupid characters, bad comic relief, and not very interesting kills. We pick up shortly after the end of the fourth one, where we find out, surprise, surprise, Michael Meyers survived the barrage of bullets and explosions, and was taken in by some creepy old man in a cabin (?) until a year later on the following Halloween, when he comes back to murder his niece from the last movie, who’s now in therapy after stabbing her step-mother. It’s at this point in the series where it’s painfully obvious that Donald Pleasance is the only good part of these movies. He just fully commits, despite how silly both the movie and his character are.  He’s still running around screaming like a crazy person telling everyone how pure evil Michael Meyers is. He’s fun to watch no matter what else is going on. Unfortunately, there isn’t the much else going on. There’s a bunch of pointless “oh look that guy is wearing a Michael Meyers mask and pretending to stab a girl in front of the police and everyone is fake screaming about it but its actually just a prank” bullshit false scares, there’s still all this who’s-sleeping-with-who high school drama bullcrap, and this time around there’s also some vague and nonsensical subplot about the little girl having a psychic connection with Michael. Then I spent most of the rest of the movie contemplating the incredible pointlessness of every action, every decision, every thought we ever have, how we’re all just particles of dust hurtling through space on a fragile rock, how we’ll all live, die and be forgotten without even making a minuscule difference on any sort of cosmic scale, and how all we do with our pathetic tiny lives is cry out “notice me, remember me”, trying desperately to make some kind of mark on those around us, just to prove that we exist. Then when I zoned back in Michael Meyers was shoving a pitchfork through a guy’s torso while he has sex, and that was pretty cool. Basically this movie is just as much of a run of the mill, unoriginal, uninteresting, un-scary slasher crapfest as the last one. Also there’s a part where you see Michael Meyers’s face, and he’s just like a normal looking white dude. Lame.

Overall Rating: Revenge-y/10

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