Halloween: Resurrection Review

I can’t fucking wait for November. I have goddamn had it with shitty fucking Halloween movies. Thought the last one was a nice conclusion to the series? Well it did sort of well, so here’s a fucking sequel. And this one got fucking lazy. So in the first five minutes we find out that Michael Meyers survived the end of H20 by switching places with someone else. Yep, it turns out Jamie Lee Curtis decapitated a paramedic in a Michael Meyers mask who had his larynx damaged so he couldn’t speak, and the real Michael slipped away. Fucking retarded. So we pick up three years down the line with Jamie Lee Curtis now catatonic in a mental hospital after being driven insane by her guilt. But don’t be fooled, this movie is not about her. Michael shows back up and murders the shit out of her before the opening titles. I guess they couldn’t get her to come back for a whole nother movie. Anyway so then we finally get to the premise of this movie, which is that some reality tv network is doing a show where they send college kids with cameras in to investigate the old Meyers residence, where of course Michael shows up and starts butchering people. But you know what that means? FOUND FUCKING FOOTAGE!!!! Yep, after the last one totally ripped off Scream, this time around they decided the hot new horror movie to do a cheap cash-in of was Blair Witch Project. But instead of like actual good digital cameras, they use these shitty little head mounted things, and the resolution on them is terrible. Plus it’s all intercut with a shit ton of non-found footage stuff, so what was even the point? So the footage is also being live streamed over the internet, and near the end of the movie the girl manages to survive by talking to her friend on fucking g-chat or whatever who’s watching the stream at home, and can see where Michael is in the house from the different cameras. It’s like this movie tried to be the hip cool modern day version of Halloween, with cell phones and the internet and all that young people stuff. But it was made in fucking 2002. So it’s really just kind of embarrassing. But I haven’t even gotten to the best part. The people running the live stream haunted house reality show thing are fucking Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks. I don’t know who thought of that combination of people for a Halloween movie or why they even agreed to be in it, but it’s hilarious. Near the end Busta Rhymes actually starts fighting Michael. At one point he yells “Trick or treat, motherfucker!”. Basically this movie is terribly. The dialogue is obnoxious, the characters are annoying, all the plot twist make no sense, the entire premise is stupid, like they’re all in this one fairly small house the whole time, but nobody ever hears any of the noise anybody else makes in any other part of the house, even when they’re like screaming and shit, it’s so dumb, and the fucking found footage stuff is the worst, and, once a-fucking-gain, there’s not a single kill I would call particularly creative or memorable. It’s almost worth it to see Busta Rhymes turn back to Michael Meyers’s dead body and go “Hey Mikey, happy fuckin’ Halloween” but I would just look up the clip on youtube and skip this piece of shit. Ironic that it was called Resurrection, because in actuality it killed the franchise so dead that the only person who wanted to touch it was Rob Zombie.

Overall Rating: About as bad as every other movie with Resurrection in the title/10


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