Halloween (2007) Review

So I legitimately thought about just making this review “uuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhh” for an entire paragraph, but I ultimately decided it would be a copout not to actually talk about why this movie sucks so hard. I mean first of all, it’s a stupid remake, which is never good. But they gave it to Rob Zombie, who’s like an actual creative director with a a passion for the horror genre, so how could you go wrong? Well, apparently you can go real fuckin wrong. This movie almost feels like a parody of a Rob Zombie movie. It’s like, every character is a dumb redneck, it’s full of out-of-place classic rock songs, everything is just a shade too violent and sexual for no reason other than shock value, ect. Also there are the prerequisite gratuitous shots of his wife’s ass. Anyway, so this movie spends the first hour on Michael Meyers’s origins. First of all, nope. That’s totally the wrong direction for a remake. First of all, nobody like prequels. And as I already talked about at length in my Halloween 6 review, the whole cool thing about Michael Meyers is his lack of explanation. Little kid goes crazy and kills his sister for no reason. That’s all you need to know. The POV shot and the reveal of the kid in the clown mask holding the knife in the original are all you need to set up the entire character. Yet Rob Zombie feels the need to go all “psychology of a serial killer” on him. But you know what, that could have worked. It’s certainly a different direction from the original, but it’s a remake, you can do something a little different. The problem is that it’s the laziest most generic serial killer origin story you could possibly think up. Chubby little loner, lives in the south, has an abusive stepdad and a stripper mom, kills wild animals, blah blah blah. It’s like they just threw in every cliche they could think of. And on top of that, it’s really kind of embarrassing to see one of the greatest movie killers of all time as a fat little white kid with long hair and a KISS t-shirt. Eventually he kills his sister, but that’s long and overblown too. We get this whole thing of him going through the house, and he kills his stepdad and his sister’s boyfriends too, it’s like a twenty minute sequence. But the whole thing is totally ruined by the fact that we’ve seen this kid be a creepy little fuck the whole movie. I mean he even killed a bully from school out in the woods earlier that day. The whole shock of this innocent little kid suddenly doing something horrible is totally gone. Then we spend some time with him growing up at the mental hospital, where he becomes friends with fucking Danny Trejo, who’s one of the guards. Then about an hour in we meet a much more vapid and annoying version of Laurie Strode and the rest of the movie is basically the original in half the time. In fact, it’s so much like the original it’s crazy. They basically just cut out all the filler and sped up all the suspenseful stuff. What was even the point? Why spend an hour tricking us into thinking it’s gonna be different if it’s not? The only real change is that they do the whole Laurie Strode is Michael’s long lost sister thing from the second one. Also, Dr. Loomis gets his fucking eyes gouged out by Michael Meyers. Also, for some reason Dr. Loomis is played by Malcolm McDowell. It’s weird. I guess they thought his acting calibre might save this piece of shit, but he’s just sort of distracting. Anyway, the movie sucks. Go home.

Overall Rating: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh/10

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