So this movie starts out with probably the last thing anyone expected from the fifth movie of the Roger Moore era; the final showdown with Blofeld. And what everyone expected even less was for it to be over before the opening credits. You see, around this time there was another Bond movie in production Never Say Never Again, that was being made by a different studio. It was actually a remake of Thunderball, and wasn’t part of the official series, but what’s weird is that they got Sean Connery to come back and play Bond in it. Through some legal loophole, the film rights to the book Thunderball were partially owned by someone else, and they decided to cash in by having Connery return while Roger Moore was doing real Bond movies. We might talk about it someday, but I’m not gonna include it in this marathon. I’ve actually never seen it. Anyway, so because of that, the rights to Blofeld and Spectre were tied up between two studios, and they weren’t allowed to use them anymore in these movies. They get around this by having a dude in a wheelchair stroking a white cat who’s face we never see and who nobody ever calls by name. Technically they never say it’s Blofeld, but we all know it is. Anyway, he comes after Bond, and Bond ends up picking him up with a helicopter and drop him into a chimney. He falls down while comically yelling “Monsieur Booooooooonnndd” (THUD). Then Bond makes a wisecrack and we go into the opening theme. I mean, I get that they were just killing him off cause they couldn’t use him, and as kind of a fuck you to the people making Never Say Never Again, but it’s just such an embarrassing end to the Blofeld saga, to go out on a joke like that. Fortunately, after twenty five years they’ve finally gotten the Blofeld/Spectre rights, and we’re gonna see them both in Spectre in a few days. I can’t fucking wait. But anyway, back to Roger BORE. See what I did there? The rest of this movie is pretty generic and forgettable, which I feel like is a phrase I’ve used a lot recently. It’s just sort of a typical spy plot involving like missile plans or something, and all the action sequences are made up of things we’ve seen before. It’s like they were running out of stuff to recycle from the Sean Connery era, and they were just like “uh, underwater stuff with subs? We’ve only done that twice before, let’s have that again. A chase down a snowy mountain on skis? We’ve done that three times already? Fuck it, throw it in anyway.” I guess they were just trying to go back to typical James Bond stuff after setting the last one in space, but either way this movie ends up feeling more like a Bond highlight reel than an actually new film in the franchise. The only really memorable part is when he has to protect this important dude’s niece or something. She’s like this young figure skating prodigy, and she spends all her screentime throwing herself at Bond. Now, this actress is at the very most, like 25, and Roger Moore was in his mid 50s by this point. I know Bond usually bangs younger women, but this one they put an extra amount of emphasis on how young and innocent she’s supposed to be, and Roger Moore really looks like a saggy old man at this point. In their defence, he never actually sleeps with her, but it’s still a pretty creepy subplot. Anyway, there’s more stuff I could probably talk about, but I think that’s enough words wasted talking about this stupid lame forgettable awkward creepy boring shitty fucking movie.
Overall Rating: For No One’s Eyes Only/10