Ok, hey, so we finally have a new Bond! After more than a decade of increasingly shittier Roger Moore performances, we’re finally ready to enter the new era, just in time for the 90’s. Then he got shit canned after two movies and is almost universally hated and forgotten. In fact, I bet he’s the only one of these guys you’ve never heard of. So is he really that bad? Honestly, I don’t think so. I always think of this scene from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I think it was season five or six, where the three nerdy side characters teamed up and became the bad guys. Great season. Great show. Anyway, so they’re in a van on some stake out as part of their evil plan, and they’re arguing about who the best Bond is. The two main guys are debating Connery vs. Brosnan, and the third wimpier guy is making an argument for Dalton, and they basically both just tell him to shut up. But I think he does have a point about him being underrated. Is it an amazing performance, worthy of Sean Connery? Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but it’s definitely interesting. What I like about it is that he’s not trying to recapture what Connery did, he sort of takes the character in a different direction. He’s not very charming, and a little less suave, but instead he’s a little more stoic and ruthless. He actually reminds me of the Daniel Craig Bond a little bit. A lesser version, sure, but even so. I think people hated it at the time because it was so different, but I would go so far as to say, just maybe, Timothy Dalton’s James Bond was ahead of it’s time. The real problem, however, is that he’s not in a very good movie. Again, the plot just feels like you fed all the elements of James Bond into a computer, and it just spewed out a formula. There’s a girl, Bond’s supposed to kill her, he doesn’t, she falls in love with him, it turns out she’s involved with a bad guy scheme, someone’s killing MI6 agents, the KGB’s involved, the guy they think is the bad isn’t really the bad guy, troops storm a base at the end, someone defuses a bomb, blah blah blah. There’s a really awkward sequence early on where Bond and the girl are running away from bad guys by riding down a snowy mountain, which is a thing we’ve seen a million goddamn times in these movies, but the twist this time, ready, is that they have a cello. Yep, they’re running from the bad guys, and all the have is this cello, so they take it out of the case and use the case as a sled. So they’re riding down on the case, but at the same time they have to like, hold the cello, and at one point the thing even takes a bullet. And then at the end she’s playing it at Carnegie Hall and they go out of their way to show that it still has the bullet hole, and I’m like, but wouldn’t that fuck up the sound? And then, like, the main gadget he has in the movie, right, is a keychain that shoots knockout gas when you whistle a specific tune. So James Bond has to like trick people into holding his keys, and then whistle for like 5 seconds while they awkwardly stare at him, and then wait for the gas to knock them out. Can you tell they were out of ideas by this point? I mean, I can hardly blame them, we’re on the fifteenth goddamn movie here, but that’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel, don’t you think? Anyway, there’s a part at the end when Bond fights a guy in like a cargo plane, and they fall out of the plane but are still holding on to the mesh thing with all the packages or whatever. You know what I mean? It’s exactly like that one part in Uncharted 3. Man, those games borrowed a lot of stuff from these movies. It’s legitimately a great action sequence. It’s very close and gritty, I don’t know, it’s just cool. Guys fighting while hanging out the back of a plane, that’s cool right? Yeah, so overall, this movie is pretty crappy, but its got a lot of redeeming qualities, and it makes interested to see more of Timothy Dalton as Bond.
Overall Rating: More Like Living GAYlights/10
To any members of the homosexual community I have offended I would just like to say that pun was totally worth it.