So the last two movies are what I would call some 90s action shlock. I don’t mind 90s action shlock. I can watch 90s action shlock. Now this one right here, this is early 2000s action shlock. And that’s much fucking worse. Not only is it really ridiculous again, but it’s also stupidly shot and edited. There’s all these weird speed ups and slowdowns and spin arounds and stuff. I guess Mission Impossible 2 had come out a couple years ago and so they tried to get all John Woo-ey with it. It’s bad. The two villains of the movie are a Korean man who’s disguised as a white British dude with a shit ton of money and influence, and a dude with a bunch of diamonds in his face. I did not make up any part of that. The opening act is actually not bad. It starts with Bond in North Korea, doing some secret mission when he’s betrayed and found out. He fucks a bunch of shit up and ends up exploding a bunch of diamonds into one guy’s face, who then becomes the previously mentioned diamond face. Eventually he gets captured and then we go to the title sequence. Which is probably the worst part of the whole movie. First off, the song is by Madonna, and it’s really fucking shitty. It’s one of those things that makes you embarrassed for the whole species when you listen to it. Then the visuals are these weird CGI women made of ice and fire wrestling with each other, and it’s all intercut with Bond being tortured in a North Korean prison. We then cut to fourteen months later, when Bond is finally released. He’s rocking a huge beard and long hair, which is pretty funny. He gets traded for diamond face who was in British custody, and is taken off duty and held by MI6. Of course he immediately escapes and goes after diamond face. Along the way he meets Jinx, played by Hale Berry (hey, another X-Man). She’s an American agent and they essentially try to make her like Bond’s equivalent. What’s really jokes is that her M equivalent is Michael Madsen. They were actually planning to give her her own spinoff between this and Casino Royale, which thank god never happened. There’s a really funny moment where they meet and she’s like “my friends call me Jinx” and he’s like “my friends call me James Bond”. I legit laughed out loud for like three minutes. His friends call him James Bond? “Hey, James Bond, how’s it going.” “James Bond, pass me a beer”. I guess the idea is he doesn’t really have friends, but it’s still a really stupid line. Another weird thing that I haven’t mentioned yet about the Pierce Brosnan Bond is he gets wet all the goddamn time. There are like, two or three scenes in each of these four movie where he gets into water fully clothed and then walks around wet for the next little while. I guess they thought he looked cool coming out of the water, but it happens way too many times. The best part of the movie is this awesome sword fight that happens around the one hour mark. I find with these ones the middle action sequence is usually much better than the final one. I guess with the finale they try to make it really huge and exciting and it always goes to far and hits a point of diminishing returns, but the middle one is sort of more simple and paired down. But yeah, it’s Bond vs. the Korean dude in whiteface. His whole persona is kind of like this parody of Bond, and when the two of them meet socially they get very competitive with each other. The fight takes place in a fencing club, where the two start with a simple sparring match and it quickly escalates into a full on fight with real swords. It’s a good sequence, the other guy is clearly more skilled, and Bond sort of starts on the back foot and has to get the advantage by playing dirty. Anyway, towards the end of the movie we get to the bad guys’ giant ice hotel built on top of a lake in the arctic, which is pretty dumb. Then he unveils his big final weapon, a giant mirror in space. The idea is to reflect sunlight back on earth, to grow crops all year round and end world hunger. Or you know, you could get a bunch of sunlamps and grow food indoors, but I guess I’m an idiot. A bunch of shit happens with Bond and Jinx and the ice hotel and a female MI6 agent who turns out to be working with the bad guys. Eventually they end up on a big ass plane, and the bad guy has a robot armour that looks like halfway between Robocop’s chest plate and the exoskeleton thing Matt Damon wears in that one movie with the giant floating space station. What was it called? Good Will Hunting, that’s it. Anyway a hole gets blown in the plane and the bad guy ends up getting sucked out into the engine. Let’s see, what other stupid crap happens in this movie. Oh yeah, Bond has an invisible car. Oh, and the virtual reality training helmet from Q that Moneypenny uses to simulate making out with Bond at the end. This is a really stupid goddamn movie and I would suggest watching it just to laugh at, but I honestly don’t think it’s worth it. Either way it was so bad that it finally forced a reboot. But we’ll get to that tomorrow.
Overall Rating: I wish I could have Died the Day before watching this shitty movie/10