I used to have this one on VHS as a kid. I must have rewatched it probably three times in like a month there. As a result, it’s actually the only one of these Pierce Brosnan ones I remember from my childhood. I actually saw the next one, Die Another Day, with my Dad, when it came out, but my only memory is how much he hated it. That was the same year the first Spider-Man movie came out, and I became so focused on that that everything else is a blur. Anyway, the plot has something to do with the daughter of some dead billionaire king or something, and the whole big twist is that she’s really the bad guy. It’s very “see, it’s the 90s, we can have female Bond villain, look at how progressive we are”, but the problem is that used it as too much of a gimmick. She sleeps with Bond early on, and then there are several times towards the end of the movie where she’s like “You won’t kill me, you love me!” and shit like that. And as if constantly using sex as a weapon wasn’t enough to totally undermine her whole character, they give her male partner guy all the blame for turning her evil. Nope, couldn’t possibly have been her own decision, she only wants to destroy the world because she was manipulated by a man. Whatever, it’s a fucking Bond movie, maybe I’m over thinking the politics, I’m just saying it’s funny when stuff from the 90s thinks it’s being progressive when it clearly isn’t, and this is a great example of that. The dude bad guy, tho, is played by Robert Carlyle. You probably don’t know that name but you’d totally recognize his face. He’s the main dude from The Full Monty, and he’s in a shit ton of other stuff. He played Hitler one time in a shitty tv miniseries that they made us watch in grade 10 history class, and what’s weird is that he does it with a British accent. Like, I get they’re just doing the thing where everyone from Europe is just vaguely British sounding, but dude it’s Hitler. The guy had like a very distinct and memorable accent. He’s good in this, though. He’s totally hammy, but you can tell he’s having a lot of fun with it, and that fun translates to the audience. His character has a bullet in his head slowly pushing down more on his brain. He doesn’t have long before it kills him, but as he dies it destroys his pain sensors, making him harder and harder to fight the closer he gets. It’s a good excuse for him to go maximum nuts all the time. Unfortunately, he’s not in very much of the movie. But speaking of ridiculous performances, fucking John Cleese is Q now. Let me repeat that. John Cleese, of Monty Python and Fawlty Towers, was goddamn Q in the 90s. In this one he’s not actually called Q, they introduce him as the real Q’s assistant, and we never hear his name. Then in the next movie, he takes over as Q. The original Q actually died before this movie came out, so I guess they were setting up his retirement ahead of time. He gets a really nice exit though. He says to Bond “I’ve always tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see you bleed” And Bond goes “and the second?” and he goes “Always have an escape plan” and then he pushes a button and suddenly the circle of floor he’s standing on detaches and lowers him down offscreen. It’s a nice final tribute to the series longest running cast member, but let me repeat; his replacement is fucking John “it’s not pining for the fjords” Cleese. I don’t even know how to wrap my head around it. It seems like something from an acid trip that you thought was real but wasn’t. Anyway, there’s a boat chase in London, a bomb defusing on a moving inspection rig in an oil pipeline, and a helicopter with a swinging saw blade that cuts a car in half. There’s also a finale in a submarine and part with a ski chase. God damn it. This movie is pretty crappy, but it’s got a couple good moments, and overall is a step up from the last one. Oh, but wait, I forgot to mention the best part. So Denise Richards is in it, right, and her character’s name is Christmas, which is stupid, but so then at the end her and Bond are fucking and he’s like “I thought Christmas only came once a year”. That’s gotta be one of the dirtiest jokes yet in one of these. Almost saves the whole movie. Not quite though.
Overall Rating: Man, I forgot how hot Denise Richards was. As soon as I’m done watching crappy Pierce Brosnan Bond movies I’m gonna go look up that one scene from Wild Things/10