So if you think of Goldeneye as like a somewhat classic 90s action movie, which I think is fair, then it only makes sense that it would have what every other classic 90s action movie has; a much worse sequel. Yeah, this new era starts going downhill pretty quick. The villain this time around is some media mogul guy, and he’s kind of like a comical parody of like a weird computer nerd. It’s almost like they decided to take Alan Cummings’s character from the last movie and give him his own story. Sort of that meets like Ed Harris in The Truman Show. But yeah, pretty quickly this movie gets dumb again. Like, Goldeneye was a little campy, but they kept it pretty grounded for the most part. This one devolves into self parody almost immediately. There’s several times when Bond is being held at gunpoint, and he just gets aways by like punching out all the dudes before any of them can shoot him, and every time it looks absolutely retarded that they’re not all just shooting him the second he even moves. But probably my favourite is when Bond and the girl fall out a window and survive by grabbing a giant poster on the side of the building. They slide all the way down it and then it stops ripping right when they get to the bottom. They also go fucking haam on the puns and innuendo. There’s one scene near the beginning with Moneypenny where they just do like three in five minutes, it’s nuts. I guess I should mention we’re on the third Moneypenny now, who first appeared in the Goldeneye. She’s not as good as the original, but she’s much more memorable than the last one. The main girl this time around is a Chinese spy who ends up working the mission alongside Bond. She’s like the badass action movie girl cliche who spends the whole movie throwing high kicks. That one chick from Desperate Housewives is in it too. The one who was also in the one Seinfeld episode where he’s trying to figure out if her boobs are fake or not. You know the one I mean. She was on Lois & Clark too, anyone remember that show? Anyway she dies early on because she’s married to the bad guy and he finds out she nailed Bond. So then we get to probably the main highlight of this movie, a big chase sequence on a motorcycle. Bond and the Chinese agent girl are handcuffed together, and they have to figure out a way to both stay on the motorcycle, and the only way they can do it is to each have a handlebar and work together to steer. It’s a cool sequence, but it kind of goes on too long. Then after another hour or so of over the top action, bad puns, and stupid 90s cliches, we get to the climax, on the bad guys’ secret boat full of whacky inventions, where Bond fights a big henchman on some dangling scaffolding and I can’t help but notice how much it feels like a smaller shittier version of the fight on the radar dish at the end of Goldeneye. The whole time the girl is underground drowning, and then after Bond defeats the bad guy he swims down and gives her air by making out with her underwater while everything on the surface explodes. Then they’re stranded out in the middle of the China sea on a piece of like blown up boat or whatever, and this ship comes to rescue them, and the do the whole “let’s not let them find us so we can stay here and fuck in private” thing, but I’m like dude, you’re in the middle of the goddamn sea. What the fuck is your plan for getting back to land now? Are you just going to swim? Is that really worth having your privacy for a little bit longer? You probably could have fucked in a cabin or something once the boat picked you up. At the end of the day, I thought Goldeneye set a pretty good tone, and I was excited to see more in that style, but this one just drops the fucking ball. The generic plot, the stupid action sequences, all the forced humour and cheese, I almost feel like we’re back in the Roger Moore era.
Overall Rating: A real letdown/10