Jason Bourne Review

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Ok first off let me just real quick run down my thoughts on the previous Bourne movies. The first one is a great little action movie from the early 2000s, and one that really redefined the genre for a while there. I would call it a classic film. Two and three, I’ll be honest, I’ve only seen once, and they totally blend together for me. I think everybody says that, right? When I think back I just see one long montage of him shuffling through crowds in Europe and talking to Joan Allen on the phone. But there is some sick action still, and I remember enjoying them at the time. While not on par with the original, I would call them both good modern action movies. Then the Jeremy Renner one I saw but have absolutely no memory of. Something with pills? Was Rachel Weisz there? I know they played that Moby song at the end (which they totally botch in this one, btw, with this shitty rock remix). Anyway so I went into this movie with pretty much no strong expectations either way. I like Matt Damon and I enjoyed most of the previous movies but I wasn’t one of those early 2000’s action film nerds who hasn’t shut up about how amazing the Bourne movies are for the last 10 years and was super excited for this new one. And to be honest I found this movie pretty goddamn mediocre.

First of all, everything is vague and lazy. Jason Bourne has spent the last few years doing vague stuff for vague reasons. He then returns to the world of espionage because of some lazily constructed plot involving privacy and the internet, which is intentionally kept super vague because if they got into it at all you’d realize how little they actually know or have to say about the issue. They were like “just say Edward Snowden a lot, it’ll be fine” Secondly, for a movie called Jason Bourne, you’d think there’d be some actual character development for Jason Bourne, but they were like no, fuck that. We get no sense of what he’s like as a person, how he’s been living, or what affect getting his memories back has had on him. For all intents and purposes he’s just been waiting around for more action sequences to happen since the end of Ultimatum. 

And then like, you’d think that if he’s been out of the game for so long, it would be some big crazy thing that pulls him back, but instead they have to like go out of their way to invent reasons to get him involved in this bullshit plot about the government spying on social media, because isn’t that just so creative and topical and edgy. But so they invent this whole bullshit backstory with Jason Bourne’s dad, just so that he can have more secrets about his past to try to find out now that he’s already found out all the secrets about his past. But then he gets all the info like halfway through, and so then they have to invent a reason for him to have to kill the bad guy. So like he finds out who killed his father, and it just so happens to be the same guy who’s been assigned by the CIA to hunt him, and who also has a grudge against him for something related to files that he leaked in one of the last movies, and from that point on Jason Bourne’s whole motivation is just to kill this one guy. And then like the whole time Alicia Vikander is all “no, we can bring him back in, he still cares about justice, and patriotism, and whatnot”, and you’re like does he though? All he cared about in the last movies was finding out about his own past while simultaneously taking down the people who stole his memories, and now in this one he’s just out for revenge on his father’s assassin. Seems like he’s kind of just out for himself every time. Maybe try to get Jeremy Renner back instead. Just sayin.

I don’t know, I wanna say, this movie is kind of dumb, but there’s some good action, but like, is there? I can’t even tell anymore. I think I’ve just become totally desensitized to action in movies. Like there’s all these cars crashing into each other, and intense fist fights, and it all should be really exciting, but I’ve seen it so many times it’s like my brain just doesn’t register it anymore. It’s all just white noise. Maybe that’s why the only big action movies that make any money any more are the superhero ones, it’s like you need giant green rage monsters and dudes dressed like bats to even get any one to look up nowadays. I-I don’t know, I’m just so bored of movies. They’ve already done everything cool, there’s nothing left. People wonder why there’s no good straight up action movies anymore, that’s why. It’s done. It’s over. You can’t just make a thing now, you have to make a thing that’s also some kind of ironic dissection of things in general, because everything genuine is now tired and stale. And now even ironic dissections are becoming tired and stale. It sort of makes you wonder what the point of even making movies is any more. And historically, isn’t the stagnation of culture and art usually a sign of a falling empire?? Could this average and forgettable fifth Bourne movie be a sign that this cushy facade of western society is about to crumble?? Are we truly in the last days of Rome here people??!! But I’m rambling. If you liked Supremacy and Ultimatum you’ll probably like this one, it hits all the Bourne movies staples. If you don’t really care about the franchise, though, I would skip it.

Overall Rating: Quick Someone Get Tommy Lee Jones in a Freezer Before He Melts Any Further/10