Total number of freeze, ice, or cold related puns: 39
Character who makes the most freeze puns: Mr. Freeze, with 23
First Freeze pun in the movie: “The Iceman Cometh” -Mr. Freeze
Last Freeze pun in the movie: “Winter has come at last” -Mr. Freeze
Stupidest Freeze Pun in the movie: “In this universe there’s only one absolute: everything freezes!” -Mr. Freeze
Best Freeze Pun in the movie: “You know what killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” -Mr. Freeze
Fastest streak of continuous freeze puns: 5 puns in 24 seconds, during the scene where Mr. Freeze is talking to Vivica A. Fox, from “Freezie, I’m feeling hot” to “Talk about your cold shoulder”.
Best Non-Freeze Pun in the movie: When Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy are crafting their plan to freeze over earth and start a new society in its place, Poison Ivy says: “We will be the only two people left in the world”, and Mr. Freeze responds: “Yes. Adam…and EVIL!”
Money Earned domestically in opening weekend box office sales: $42,872,605, the third highest gross of summer 1997.
The MPAA sucks. And since the MPAA sucks, we can’t get a mainstream action movie nowadays that has any blood or swearing. Which is why all the blood and swearing were edited out of The Wolverine when it was released theatrically, and we had to wait for the blu-ray release for the originally intended unrated cut. And I’ve got to tell you, it’s a much better movie. Not only is it so insanely satisfying to finally see blood splatters when Wolverine stabs people, but there’s actually several additional sequences and extended action scenes. Most notably, there’s a scene near the end of the movie when Logan is driving towards the final boss fight on his motorcycle, and he gets stopped in an empty snow covered village and has to fight a bunch of ninjas. In the theatrical version, the scene is super short, and kind of feels weird and out of place. Wolverine just walks in, sees all the guys with arrows, starts running, and then almost immediately gets shot with so many arrows that he falls down and passes out. In the unrated scene, there’s about a huge crazy battle that last about ten minutes, the centrepiece of which is Wolverine riding on top of a thrasher while ninja after ninja gets sucked into the blades and sprayed out as mist. It’s a really awesome scene, and maybe the highlight of the whole movie. There’s also a scene early on where Wolverine stabs a guy in the chest, and you see the claws come out through his back. That was kind of out of nowhere, but I felt it deserves mentioning. Anyway, if you were as lukewarm on The Wolverine as I was, this cut will do a much better job of satisfying your taste for awesome Wolverine action. It’s really a shame that the censorship laws are what they are, because Wolverine is really a character that works well with this kind of violence and swearing, and I suspect that the same is true for a lot of superheroes. The new Netflix Daredevil show promises some bloody violence, and hopefully they’ll have the balls to make Deadpool R-rated. Hopefully this will show people that the superhero genre doesn’t necessarily have to bow to the PG13 rating, and hopefully we won’t have to wait for more unrated blu ray editions to see some more bloody stabbin’ action from ol’ Logan.
Overall Rating: Violence Makes Everything Better/10
Hey, Sony, if you’re looking for a great plot for the new Spider-Man movie coming out in 2017 that ties into the MCU, you guys should do Kraven’s Last Hunt. Since we both know you guys have never read a Spider-Man comic, let me explain the story; Kraven the Hunter defeats Spider-Man, drugs him, and buries him alive. Then he puts on Spidey’s costume and goes out to kill a super villain called Vermin to prove that he’s better than Spider-Man. Eventually we see Spidey burst out of the ground just like in Kill Bill Vol. 2. The thing’s told mainly from Kraven’s perspective and it’s all about how he sees Spider-Man as this force of nature that’s ruining his life. Since Spider-Man stories are always from Peter’s perspective, and the series so heavily focuses on the relatability of the character, it’s an interesting deconstruction to see how Spider-Man is viewed through his enemies eyes. And it has a really dark ending, wherein Kraven finally realizes that Spider-Man is just a normal guy behind the mask, and having lost his immortal tormentor, he no longer has a purpose, and the comic ends with him sticking a shotgun in his mouth. It’s a completely different story archetype from the one we’ve seen over and over again in the last five Spidey movies, and it would give us an interesting and different villain who happens to be a fan favourite. You could also swap out the Vermin role in the comics with the Lizard, and we could see a way cooler version of that character than we got in ASM1. Plus we would get to see him and Kraven fight, and two villains fighting is something really cool we haven’t seen yet in a Spider-Man movie. And since we just saw the Lizard on screen, people already know who he is and we wouldn’t have to set up his origin at all, which would allow him to be featured without requiring too much screentime or focus, which is how you avoid “villain-overload”. The comic version also has a heavy focus on Mary Jane’s struggle with worrying about Peter when he’s out fighting crime, and how she deals with it, which is a really interesting angle on that character that we haven’t seen before in the movies. Also, yeah, we’re starting where MJ already knows who he is, because that’s when she gets interesting, and the whole thing where he keeps being late to stuff and she gets mad at him but he can’t tell her that it was cause he’s Spider-Man is super stale and boring. And again, yes, MJ is the love interest, because not everything has to be exactly like the comics and frankly Gwen Stacy isn’t nearly as interesting of a character. Now, of course I have to bring up the whole Miles Morales thing: Look, I think it would be cool to see Miles Morales in a movie, and I totally get the need to make this new Spidey seem distinct from the last two. But Peter Parker has been Spider-Man for the last fifty years, and we haven’t seen that character done well in a long time. And if we’re setting up Spider-Man in the Marvel universe, we need to see Peter Parker done justice as a character. Having said that, the MCU is clearly planning ahead pretty far into the future, and I think there’s plenty of room for Miles to come later. In ten years, when they need Spider-Man for Avengers 6, and the actor who plays Peter Parker is in his thirties, then we can have him hang up the mask and see Miles Morales become Spider-Man. If they use MM right off the bat now, they not only rob us of a proper interpretation of Peter Parker, but they limit their options for the future of the franchise. So that would be my ideal version of the new Spider-Man movie, but whatever Sony and Marvel end up doing I’m just excited to see a new actor play the character, to see some villains we haven’t seen before, and to hopefully not see the exact same story we’ve seen in every other Spider-Man movie. And also hopefully the Marvel studios involvement will prevent Sony or churning out a nonsensical clusterfuck of irrelevant subplots and poorly written characters. Oh, and also, please hire an actor who’s actually a teenager. Nobody’s buying these 30 year old actors as high school seniors.
Kingsman: The Secret Service, also known as that movie with the long uninteresting title that no one can remember, is the latest movie by director Matthew Vaughan, who also directed X-Men: First Class and Kick-Ass, and is based on a comic by Mark Millar, who wrote, among other things, the Kick-Ass comics. This movie has a lot of similarities to both of those films. It has the same feel of light-hearted, heightened reality fun, mixed with a lot of the meta-commentaries on the genre. It’s essentially a modern day self aware spy thriller, and they even go out of their way to mention the old Roger Moore Bond movies. I knew pretty much what kind of movie I was in for going into the theatre, having seen lots of ads, but one thing that threw me was the R rating. (Technically 14A in Canada). I thought it was going to be more kid friendly, and when people started throwing around f-bombs and blood started to fly everywhere it was really a pleasant surprise. The movie had some really great action sequences, which were not only bloody and fun to watch, but were also some of the best shot fight scenes I’ve seen a while. There’s lots of long takes, and most of the actors do all their own stunts. They use excellent choreography to make fights believable, instead of using quick cuts so that you can’t tell what’s happening. I kind of wish all action movies were shot like this. As for the cast, the main kid was likeable, but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that Colin Firth steals the whole show. He’s really fun to watch, and some of the stunts he actually does himself are pretty impressive. I sort of which he got more screentime. Samuel L. Jackson was also pretty entertaining as a villain, but he’s chewing scenery pretty hard and the lisp he does kept making me laugh. The only major flaw of this movie, other than a few minor plotholes I noticed, was how nuts everything got in the last act. Kick Ass had a similar problem with the whole jetpack thing. It’s not the worst thing ever, but the movie gets a little carried away with itself. If you liked either Kick Ass or X-Men: First Class, you’ll probably like this. And if you haven’t seen either of those but you like fun stylized over the top action that doesn’t require you to take it too seriously, then I guarantee you this is a good time at the movies. Especially for fucking February.
Overall Rating: Roger Moore/10
Ugh so yeah I saw this fucking movie. I wanted not to, cause the first two were terrible, but I did so I’ll talk about it. Now, we all know how shitty it is that they insisted on making this into three different movies, and how it makes every instalment feel long and drawn out and poorly paced and incomplete, but it’s with this movie that the decision of where to split the movies becomes an issue. (Warning: spoilers ahead). So the last movie ends with Smaug about to go fuck up that town, and leaves us on a cliffhanger as to what’s going to happen with all of that. Then the whole marketing strategy for this third movie was “holy shit you’re gonna get to see a whole lot of Smaug”. Hell, they even had the giant CGI dragon go on The Colbert Report to promote the movie. Then they kill him in the first ten minutes. Seriously, the movie starts with this huge battle with Smaug, then the good guys win, and the entire rest of the movie has absolutely nothing to do with Smaug. It’s almost as if they took the climax of the second movie and tacked it on to the beginning of this one, leaving the second movie feeling incomplete and missing an ending, and the third movie failing to draw you into the plot with an unrelated opening, just so that they could tease the cliffhanger between movies in an attempt to boost ticket sales. Anyway, now that we’ve talked about what selfish greedy assholes the studio heads are, with no regard for the actual quality of the film, let’s talk about the movie. Just like the first two, it’s full of terrible CGI, has a bunch of stupid irrelevant side-plots, and has no characters who you actually give a shit about. There are so many over the top action moments in which characters totally should have died, but don’t. Like when the dragon is fighting two guys in a tower, and it keep swiping past the tower and breaking off pieces of it, but never actually knocking them off or destroying the tower. They spend so much time on long drawn out scenes of shit no one wants to see, and then hint at but refuse to actually show anything legitimately cool. They show these giant Tremors worms come out of the ground, then we never see them again. We see the giant eagles swoop in, and then we never see them again. We see the bear-dude jump into the middle of a pile of Orcs, and then we never see him again. Fuck this movie. Fuck this trilogy. Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.
At least it’s finally fucking over/10
As a big comic book fan and a big comic book movie fan, I thought I’d offer my opinions on the rankings in quality of movies based on marvel comics. These are only legit movies, no made-for-TVs, or 1940’s adventure serials. The list may change slightly, and I’ll try to update it every time a new movie comes out. I’ve recently made it my mission to talk about every single one of these, so they’ll all link to my reviews. The only omission here is The Amazing Spider-Man 2, simply because I refuse to see it. But that’s a whole other discussion. So here, in my own humble (but correct) opinion, are all the Marvel movies ranked from best to worst.
02. X2: X-Men United
03. Spider-Man 2
04. The Avengers
06. The Incredible Hulk
07. Iron Man
08. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
09. X-Men: First Class
10. Guardians of the Galaxy
11. Blade II
12. X-Men: Days of Future Past
13. Punisher: War Zone
14. Thor: The Dark World
15. Captain America: The First Avenger
16. The Wolverine
18. Iron Man 2
19. The Punisher (2004)
20. Iron Man 3
22. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
23. Daredevil (2003)
24. X-Men: The Last Stand
25. Blade: Trinity
26. Howard The Duck
27. The Punisher (1989)
28. Spider-Man 3
29. Fantastic Four (2005)
30. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
32. The Amazing Spider-Man
33. The Fantastic Four (1994)
34. Captain America (1990)
35. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
36. Ghost Rider
Wow. I really don’t even know where to start with this one. This is actually the first ever theatrically released film based on a Marvel comic. It was also produced by George Lucas, and was one of the most expensive movies ever made at the time, costing more than even Return of the Jedi. And, well, it was a pretty huge fucking flop. In fact, it’s infamous and being one of the biggest bombs ever. Let’s just call this movie the first in a series of poor decisions made by George Lucas. So the basic premise of the is that there’s an alternate dimension in which humans evolved from ducks rather than primates, and so everyone on this alternate world is like a little duck person. Howard is just an average duck who suddenly gets sucked through a portal into our world, landing in Cleveland, Ohio circa 1986. The first half of the movie plays out like a weird dramedy, with Howard adjusting to life on Earth and trying to find a job. Then about halfway through the plot suddenly kicks in, and he’s trying to stop a group of “dark overlords” from escaping a hell dimension and conquering earth via the same portal that brought Howard there. Along the way he hooks up with the mom from Back to the Future, who’s in a glam rock band, and befriends Tim Robbins with glasses. There’s also a scientist who gets possessed by a “dark overlord” and slowly turns all monstery, played by the guy who plays the principal in Ferris Beuller. So if you ever wanted to see Rooney turn into a demon, this movie has that. Or, you know, you could just go online and read about how the actor was arrested for child molestation. BOOM! Roasted. Anyway, this is one of the most nucking futs movies I’ve ever seen. It’s like one of those weird, culty low budget comicbook movies that goes straight to VHS, except on a huge budget and with a theatrical release. As batshit crazy as this movie is, there’s actually some cool stuff in it. The monster at the end is actually one of the most interesting creature designs and most well executed special effects I’ve ever seen. Seriously, google that shit. It looks like the Rancor meets The Thing meets a giant scorpion. It’s fucking awesome. The movie also doesn’t take itself too seriously, and even though a lot of the actual jokes they try to make feel dumb and forced, there is a lot of comedy that just comes out of the ridiculousness of some of the sequences. For example, there’s about a 30 minute chunk of the movie solely dedicated to Howard the Duck and Tim Robbins flying around the city on a little motorized glider being chased by the cops. I don’t know, with a lot of these crappy old Marvel movies I’ve been telling you to check them out because they’re so funny bad, but this one really is the best of the worst. Just the fact that this movie exists is so baffling. I was in disbelief the whole time I was watching. This is a phenomenon that must be seen to be believed. And if you’re still not convinced, I leave you with this; the movie has duck tits.
Overall Rating: Duck/10