Halloween III: Season of the Witch Review

So after pretty definitively killing off Michael Meyers in the end of the last movie, they decided to take this third one in a completely different direction. New story, new characters, and this one’s not even a slasher movie. I mean I guess it makes sense, the series is just called Halloween, there’s a lot of different things that could happen on that holiday. But everyone was so pissed that it had nothing to do with the first two that the movie flopped, was universally panned, and they brought back Michael Meyers for the fourth movie and every one since. So Halloween III just sort of sticks out as this weird standalone in the middle of a franchise. But let’s talk about it. It’s weird as hell. The plot revolves around a company called Silver Shamrock, run by the Old Man from Robocop, that basically owns this small town where their factory is. They believe in some sort of ancient Keltic witchcraft rituals surrounding Halloween and the sacrifice of children, so they manufacture masks with these weird computer chips in the back that are made out of pieces of stone henge and programmed to activate when a specific tune is played and kill the person wearing them. So they sell all the masks, then play a commercial with the activation code in it on Halloween night when they know all the kids will be watching them with their masks on, and die. An old middle aged doctor and some random woman half his age spend the whole movie investigating Silver Shamrock and also spending a lot of time having sex for no reason. Did I mention this company also has an army of robots that go around murdering people? Yeah, that too. It’s absolutely nuts, and doesn’t even have very much to do with witches, but it’s also a movie that’s super fun to watch. I mean, if that plot description doesn’t make you want to watch it, I don’t even know what to say to you. There’s also some really good gore, like when that one lady gets shot in the face with a laser. If you’ve seen it you know the scene I’m talking about, it’s awesome. Actually, I’m gonna put a picture of it at the top of this review, you really gotta see it. All that plus an awesome synth score and a lot of 80s cheese. Anyway that’s it. This movie is weird and bad and nuts and has almost nothing to do with any of the other Halloween movie, but it’s also goddamn hilarious and definitely worth watching.

Overall Rating: Not that witchy /10

Halloween II (1981) Review

The first Halloween movie was a tiny little indie that did way better than anyone expected. Of course, that meant inevitably someone had to cash in on it by making a sequel. John Carpenter decided he wanted nothing to do with it and took his synth and left. (Oh my god, how did I not talk about the amazing synth score in my review of the first movie? I must not have been high enough while writing it). The movie actually takes later on the same night as the first movie, following the character immediately after we last saw them. Jamie Lee Curtis goes to the hospital where she lies half conscious for most of the movie while various hospital staff are murdered one by one. Dr. Loomis spends most of the movie running around with cops trying to convince them how dangerous Michael Meyers is, much like he did in the last movie, only this time they know he’s already killed several people so they sort of believe him more. There’s one scene early on when they see a guy who’s kind of dressed the same as Michael, and Dr. Loomis is like “there he is” or whatever, and they go to chase him and then immediately this cop car comes out of nowhere going full speed and just nails the guy, smashes him against the side of a van and just erupts into a huge fiery explosion. It’s such an insane reaction. Like did the cop not see the van? Why not break after he hit the guy? Why would he do that in the first place? Shouldn’t you even try to figure out if it’s the right dude before splattering him across your windshield? Anyway, so yeah, this movie is basically the bigger, dumber sequel. But honestly it might be the one I would recommend to the most people. Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone should see the original, but it’s a movie that you really have to sit down and watch. If you wanted a movie to throw on in the background while you’re chilling with some friends and some beers and just tune in every once in a while for some gore, corny dialogue, and badass synth score, this would be the one to do it with. Speaking of gore, there’s this really awesome part at the beginning where you see a kid who got a razor blade in his halloween candy. Cause like that’s a thing you always heard about as a kid, but to actually see a kid with like his lip split open and the razor blade still stuck in the roof of his mouth and blood everywhere, it’s really cool. Probably the dumbest thing in the movie is how we discover that the only reason Michael is chasing Jamie Lee Curtis is because she’s his long lost sister, and he has some weird fetish for killing his own family. but overall it’s dumb, it’s fun, and the final act chase sequence is pretty tense.

Overall Rating: Sequel-ey/10

Halloween (1978) Review

That’s right. October 2013, we did every Nightmare On Elm Street movie. Last year, Friday the 13th. Now it’s time for the grandaddy of them all, the original slasher franchise. This is the month he comes home, and we’re gonna find out just how well the Halloween franchise held up over 7 sequels, two alternate timelines, a reboot, and a sequel to the reboot. But first we gotta go back to original, a tiny little independent movie directed by John Carpenter in the late 1970s. The first Halloween movie is about as classic as it gets. Some people debate whether or not this was truly the first ever slasher movie, and while there are definitely others that set the stage for it, such as Psycho or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I think this is the first time the formula was really solidified, and it’s the one that every slasher movie since has taken the most inspiration from. And honestly, unlike a lot of old slasher movies, the early Friday the 13th movies in particular, I actually think this movie holds up very well. It’s slow moving, for sure. But the realistic setting and characters suck you into the story and there’s a tense creepy tone throughout the entire movie. The kills are a little tame and pretty spread out, but just watching Michael Meyers silently stalking with that blank emotionless mask is so chilling. What’s great about Michael Meyers as a horror villain is that he’s so unexplainable. He doesn’t have a sympathetic origin story like Jason, or supernatural powers like Freddy, he’s just pure evil for no reason. And at the end of the movie when he suddenly vanishes after being pumped full of bullets, and the characters slowly realize that somehow, impossibly, he’s still out there, it’s one of the great movie moments, and a really ominous, spooky ending. I guess spoilers, but you should have seen this movie by now. And if you haven’t, wait till Halloween, draw the shades, turn off the lights, and watch the hell out of it. It’s creepy, it’s chilling, it’s got Donald Pleasance running around screaming like a crazy person, and it’s the perfect movie for the holiday. A true classic that I rewatch every year.

Overall Rating: Halloween-ey/10

Daredevil Season 1 Review

Ok so I know I’m about six months late reviewing this, but this was a whole lot of show and I needed some time to rewatch it and wrap my head around it a little before I was ready to talk about it. I actually ended up watching the whole season three times, and I still don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start by saying it was awesome. If you haven’t watched it, I suggest you do immediately, and if not, I’m probably gonna spoil some stuff so beware. The first thing that immediately sets this apart from every other comicbook tv show you’ve ever seen is that it doesn’t suck. And by the that I mean it’s not crappy, low budget, unexciting filler bullcrap like Agents of SHIELD, or a whiny soap opera full of annoying stupid assholes like Arrow, or whatever the fuck Gotham is. The Flash show is actually ok, but it’s still totally silly. When you’re watching Daredevil, tho, it’s like the people writing it actually have respect for your intelligence and for what they’re making. The dialogue doesn’t want to make you kill yourself, and there’s actual effort put into filming stuff.

Ok,  I know I’m not doing a great job talking it up, but I really want to put into context just how awesome it is to actually see some quality made comicbook TV content instead of having to force myself to watch it like usual. But I think what’s really refreshing about it that they don’t treat their audience like idiots. There’s a point in the first episode where we see Daredevil use his powers to tell if someone is lying, and all the do is a simple perspective trick to let us know where he’s focusing and let us hear the persons heart beating erratically. They don’t stop the entire show to spend 5 minutes explaining it to us. They assume that we know how lie detectors work, we know he has enhanced hearing, and that we can put 2 and 2 together. It seems like a small detail but it sets a precedent of show-don’t-tell, and throughout the entire series I think you’ll find there’s very little hand-holding.

Which, in part, is probably because they know the show is for mature audiences. The major things lacking from any great superhero movie are blood, swearing and nudity, and this show has, well, most of that. I think the showrunner described it as “16A”, not quite R, but definitely worse than PG13, though because of Netflix there is no actual rating. And frankly I think it’s exactly what the Marvel universe needed. Don’t get me wrong, I would literally keep seeing Avengers movies until I died, but the formula is getting stale, and it seems like the more popular these movies get, the more they sand off all the rough edges to try to appeal to as many people as possible. I know these movies are for kids, I’m not suggesting that they go all Man of Steel on everyone’s asses, but when you’re watching Thor 2, where the whole universe is at stake and everyone’s just cracking jokes the whole time, or Age of Ultron, which is supposed to be the dark middle chapter of the trilogy, and is supposed to set the stage for Civil War, and it ends with everybody just shaking hands and smiling before going their separate ways totally worry free just like the end of the last movie, it’s more that a little unsatisfying, and kind of makes you wonder if Marvel has totally lost it’s balls. But then Daredevil fucking found them. It’s the prefect way to have your cake and eat it too, with the movies getting to be fun and comicbook-y while the Netflix series explores the darker, grittier, more consequence-heavy street-level side of the universe. And man, is this show ever willing to get gritty. They got no problem murdering long running comicbook characters, lovable old ladies, minor villains, and countless random thugs on the reg. Like remember the part where the one dude gives DD the Kingpins name, and then he stabs his own head through the spike and kills himself right there because he’s so afraid of what Fisk will do to him? Aw, man. Or in the police station where the cops just shoot that one guy for having information, and Daredevil hears the whole thing but can’t do anything about it? That was so fucking cool.

But it’s these moments of depressing hopelessness that help draw you into the world. You see this unbreakable wall of corruption, you feel this massive weight of crime pressing down on Hell’s Kitchen and Matt Murdock’s shoulders. You feel him struggle against it, even though it’s seemingly pointless, and it makes every eventual victory so much more satisfying. Every battle it so intense because you’re rooting for this regular guy going up against this huge force, and it really does feel like he could get taken out at any second. I will say one criticism of the plot is that the spend so much of the season establishing how hard impossible their enemy is to take down, and then in the last episode they turn the tide so quickly it almost seems unbelievable that everything could work out so well so fast. I understand that you need a satisfying conclusion to the plot, and I’m not saying that they should have ended the season without stopping the Kingpin, it just might have been nice to see the table turn a little more gradually.

But what really makes this show great is their ability to nail character. Every aspect of Matt Murdock is perfect in this show. The inspiration from his boxer father, the vague mysticism and martial arts training, the catholic guilt, the terrible luck with women. It’s like he leapt right out of a Bendis or Miller comic and onto my TV screen. And the actor playing him is really good, too. The one thing is that you can kind of tell he’s British. Like he does that super broad generic American accent that all British dudes do when playing Americans. But its a small detail, and I really think he does a good job pulling of the small subtle dramatic moments. Most of the cast is pretty solid for TV (I have such a huge crush on whoever’s playing Karen Page), with the exception of the guy playing Foggy. AKA one of the Bash Bros from The Mighty Ducks. Look, I think he’s well cast, he fits the character, and he has great chemistry with the guy playing Matt, but when he’s given some more dramatic moments, particularly towards the end of the season where he finds out Matt’s secret identity, it’s  sort of like he’s in a bad high school play. He’s just like “I’M ANGRY NOW”. It’s kind of hard to watch. But the other big standout from the cast, obviously, is Vincent D’Onofrio as the Kingpin.

The Kingpin was always a huge favourite of mine. He was the big bad of the 90s Spider-Man show, and man he was such a badass. Just always had a trick up his sleeve, the big motherfucker. If you ever wanna see something really awesome, find the 2-part episode of that show where Spidey teams up with Daredevil, it’s great stuff. But I digress. This is such a fucking interesting take on the Kingpin. We really get inside this guy’s head, feel his vulnerabilities, his hopes and dreams. That episode where they go back and explore his backstory is all kinds of fucked up and maybe one of the best of the season. He’s almost presented as a child-like character, with obvious gaps in his social skills. I’ve even heard it suggested that this version of the character might fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, and after watching the series again that actually makes a whole lot of sense. And the performance is so great. There’s just so much going on in it. He manages to make you feel sorry for him but at the same time be afraid of him. He’s like a wounded little puppy dog, but then there’s something vicious behind those eyes, and when he lets it out it’s genuinely terrifying. Dude fucking turned a Russian gangster’s head into mush with a car door. That’s some fucking Tarantino shit or something.

The show’s also amazingly shot. First off, they actually went to Hell’s Kitchen, which is great. You can always tell when they just film shit in LA in a studio and then greenscreen in the New York background and it always looks terrible. Either that, or they’ll just use Toronto, which is really distracting if you live in Toronto because they always use that same block of Yonge Street and it’s super recognizable. (When you see the Batmobile chase in Suicide Squad, that’s the same exact place where they filmed the climax of The Incredible Hulk and basically all of both Kick Ass movies.) So yeah, it’s great to see real NY alleys and actually get a feel for that part of the city. And the action is all so cool. Like I’m sure I don’t even need to mention that hallway fight in episode 2, with the one long shot of him beating all those dudes. Man, the fighting is so great. It’s like he actually takes realistic damage, and the bad guys actually take the proper amount of punishment. Like I hate in action movies where the hero just does like one kick and the guys just fall off screen. In this show he has to put guys down like several times before the stop getting back up. But anyway something else I noticed about the whole look of the show is that they kind of make it hard to see. I mean not only does most of it take place at night in poorly lit alleys and warehouses, but even when it is day or the are inside the lights are very dim. There’s way more close ups and way less long or medium shots then you would expect, and there’s also a lack of establishing shots. In fact, they usually don’t give you a good sense of the space you’re in before a scene starts. Perhaps a subtle attempt to let us see the world through the main character perspective a little bit by giving us a limited range of vision? But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Man, this went long. Ok, what haven’t I talked about yet. Uh yeah, all the stuff with him and the priest was really good, I liked the sort of progression of their relationship, and the kind of justification of what he’s doing through his own beliefs or whatever. I liked Rosario Dawson’s character, their relationship was interesting. I liked Kingpins weaselly little sidekick, and I liked even more when he got shot a bunch. I liked the accountant dude, who in the comics is a villain called the Owl. I loved the costume, lifted right out of the Man Without Fear. I’m a big fan of like, proto-costumes, in superhero movies. Like in the first Spider-man when he’s running around in the balaclava, or like in the New 52 Superman when he’s just got the t-shirt with the S symbol. But this Daredevil one was particularly awesome, I’m even a little disappointed we won’t see it in season 2. But I actually do like the red one, too, even though a lot of people have problems with it. The first time around I wasn’t fully sold on it, and I still think maybe the face could use a tweak, he looks sort of weird in closeup. But after some getting used to it, seeing him in action in it in the last episode is pretty sweet. Um ok that’s an awkward place to end this but it’s like 3am, I gotta go to bed, and I’m pretty sure I said everything I wanted to say. This next month I’m marathoning all the Bond movies, but I also wanna do something for Halloween. Maybe I’ll save up the Bond reviews and release em all after October, idk. Either way expect some more reviews coming soon. Bye, I guess.

Overall Rating: Oh shit I forgot also Stick is totally the coolest in this I wanna see more of that guy Season 2

The Multiple James Bonds Theory: Different Asshole, Same Suit, Or Same Asshole, Different Universe?

People always talk about the continuity of the Bond movies, and how they fit together. Over the years fans have come up with a lot of explanations as to why the actor keeps changing and how the character has stayed youthful into the 2000s despite seeming to acknowledge the events of previous movies from the 1960s. Some people have even theorized that James Bond is actually just a code name, and each actor really is a new character taking on the mantle, but there are too many connections between movies with different Bonds for that to really work. Of course, the real answer is shut up jerk, they’re just movies. Stop being a dick. Who cares. Idiot. But today I got real high and watched Dr. No and my insane obsessive list making brain made me think about it. And basically the only way that it makes any sense to me is if it operates under the same logic as the pre-crisis DC continuity. If you’re not a huge comic nerd, it goes like this; back in the day DC found themselves with this same problem, with characters like Batman and Superman having not aged in 30 years, and multiple versions of character like the Flash and Green Lantern. In order to fix all the continuity errors, they established that there were 2 parallel earths, one in which Batman and Superman started fighting crime in the late 30s, and one where they existed in the modern day. The assumption was that all the events that happened to them in the older comics still roughly happened in the continuity of the later issues, just later on. And as more time passed since the characters original debuts, the gap between the two timelines grew. Eventually this got too confusing, and so DC smashed all the alternate universe together and made a single streamlined continuity, and then couldn’t leave that well enough alone, and now basically they reboot the whole thing every 10 years or so. Anyway, not the point. If the Bond movies operate under the same logic, then perhaps each different actor is actually just a parallel universe version of the character, in which he was born later and looks different, but wherein all the events of the previous however many movies happened roughly the same, maybe with minor geo-political details changed. Like this, if you’ll follow me;

 Universe A

 James Bond is born in 1930, looking like Sean Connery. He goes through the events of the films Dr. No through Diamonds Are Forever from 1962 to 1971.

Universe B

 James Bond is born in 1939, looking like George Lazenby. He goes through the rough events of the films Dr. No through You Only Live Twice from the mid 1960s to 1969. He goes through the events of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service in 1969.

Universe C

 James Bond is born in 1927, looking like Roger Moore. He goes through the rough events of the films Dr. No through Diamonds Are Forever from the early 1960’s to the early 1970’s. He goes through the events of the films Live and Let Die through A View To A Kill from 1973 to 1985.

Universe D

 James Bond is born in 1946, looking like Timothy Dalton. He goes through the rough events of the films Dr. No through A View To A Kill from the late 1970’s to the mid 1980’s. He goes through the events of the films The Living Daylights and License to Kill from 1987 to 1989.

Universe E

 James Bond is born in 1953, looking like Pierce Brosnan. He goes through the rough events of the films Dr. No through License to Kill from the early 1980’s to the mid 1990’s. He goes through the events of the films Goldeneye through Die Another Day from 1995 to 2002.

Now, Casino Royale actually doesn’t seem to acknowledge the events of any of the previous movies, with Bond just starting out as a double 0 agent. I’ve heard the theory that the other 20 Bond movies actually take place in between Quantum of Solace and Skyfall, and while it’s definitely possible that all of those missions happened during that three-year gap, I think things like the re-introduction of Q and Ms. Moneypenny reinforce the idea that this is a reboot. So we’ll call the Daniel Craig movies it’s own timeline in which none of the events of the other movies happened.

Universe F

 James Bond is born in 1968, looking like Daniel Craig. He becomes an agent in the mid 2000’s and goes through the events of the films Casino Royale through Skyfall from 2006 to 2012.

That’s probably a lot of confusing sci-fi nonsense and way to many year numbers for anybody to actually read through all of, but if you did make it to the end I hope you found it somewhat interesting. I’m rewatching all these movies over the next month in preparation for the release of Spectre in November, and I’ll try to review them all while I do it. Hopefully that will be less crazy and ranty, but I just needed to get this out of my head and on to paper and I thought while I was doing so I might as well share it with anyone who would listen. That’s what the internet is for, right?

Fant-4-Stic Review


Okay, strap in for a rant. How fucking hard is it to get the Fantastic Four right? Like, seriously? They’re a family with superpowers who go on whacky space adventures. The Human Torch is always messing with the Thing. They have a flying car. The movie practically writes itself. And yet this is the FOURTH, COUNT IT, FOURTH fucking attempt at an FF movie that can only really be described as a hot mess. The first major problem, and the one that I knew would be an issue since the first teaser trailer, is the tone. This is your quintessential “gritty reboot”. Whereas the previous two movies were overly silly and cartoonish, here they overcorrect and the tone fails to mesh at all with the source material. Like, the entire first half of the movie is totally straight, and grounded, and realistic, and they go so far out of their way to make it feel like the real world, and then they’re like “oh yeah, this guy has fire powers now, because science”. It just doesn’t work, and completely fails to walk the line between realism and cheese that the best comicbook movies do.

The next thing that most critics are talking about it what feels like an incredibly out of place and tacked-on ending. And when I say it feels tacked on, I mean literally the studio watched a rough cut of the movie and said “we need a big dumb action movie ending” and so they went back and did reshoots and added the whole sequence. Not only has this been talked about in interviews and stuff, but you can tell it’s all reshoots because Kate Mara’s hair changes to a really obvious wig. Now, director Josh Trank has expressed on twitter that the movies’ poor reviews were due to studio interference, and when so many people have been pointing to that tacked on action ending, it seems like he has a point. But you know what? I think I actually agree with the studio on this. First off, let me say, I do love me a good slow moving science fiction movie. And I actually really enjoyed a lot of the first half of this movie, leading up to them getting their powers, because it did play like a slow moving sci-fi movie with some characters who actually felt like real people. But by the time we were about an hour, hour 15 minutes into the movie, I literally felt like yelling at the screen “SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR FUCKING POWERS!!!” Literally nobody does anything cool with their powers at any point in this movie. We see 20 minutes of Sue Storm practicing her forcefields on some cargo crates, there’s a single one minutes long scene where Mr. Fantastic beats up some military guys with his stretchy arms, the Human Torch just kept walking around on fire for no reason while not doing anything, and we hear all about the Thing going out on these crazy army missions and fighting all these dudes, but we never actually see it. By the time the big dumb ending rolled around I couldn’t wait to see anything even remotely resembling actual action. Then the big final fight is this: Doctor Doom is firing a big blue laser up into the sky, the Fantastic Four all run at him one at a time, and he throws them back with his vague green energy powers, then the Fantastic Four all run at him at the same time, and they manage knock him back into the big blue laser and he dies. Then the government agrees to fund their scientific research/superhero activities in exchange for nothing because of a vague threat from the Thing, they set up their base in a giant bunker in the middle of the forest which they call Central City, even though the FF’s headquarters has always been the Baxter Building in the heart of Manhattan, and Central City is where The Flash lives, then they’re like “what should we call the team” and then the Thing says something about how their new base is “Fantastic” and then Reeds like “Fantastic, eh? That gives me an idea…” and then the movie finally fucking ends. So Josh “I’m never getting another job with a major studio ever again” Trank can sit around all day and bitch about how he’s a great artist and the mean old studio ruined his vision of a “Cronenberg’s The Fly-esque body-horror movie”, but I say to him that you’re no Cronenberg, nobody wanted that from a Fantastic Four movie, you suck at directing action, and your previous movie Chronicle is a bunch of whiny self-indulgent bullcrap that’s found footage for no reason. And if the rumours of him showing up to set super high or sometimes not at all are accurate, then I’m not entirely convinced that they even could have finished the movie without all those extensive studio reshoots.

But I’m not done yet. Here, in no particular order, is a bunch of other shit that pissed me right off: The whole goddamn movie was about Reed Richards, and how he felt guilty about turning his best friend into a rock monster. Now while that is definitely a big part of team dynamic, we got no goddamn characterization from anybody else. The only thing we find out about Sue Storm is that she’s “good with patterns?”, whatever the fuck that means, and I can’t even remember a single memorable thing that the Human Torch said. No good one liners, no back and forth between him and the Thing. It’s called the Fantastic Four, not whiny scientist kid: the movie. In fact, we got almost no interaction between the team at all. I think the final battle sequence was actually the first time they were even all in the same room together. The entire point of the Fantastic Four is how they interact as a team and a family, and it’s literally completely missing from this movie. Next, their suits help them control their powers now. Like the Human Torch has to turn a little thing on his suit to flame on and off, he can’t even do it on his own. And at one point Reeds suit breaks, and he can’t un-stretch himself, but then he can, cause willpower. And fucking Tim Blake Nelson was originally cast as the Mole Man, but in the actual movie he’s just some military douche who fucking dies for no reason. Which is also the second time he got screwed out of being a classic comicbook villain, because if you remember The Incredible Hulk (which no one does), they totally set him up to be The Leader at the end and then never followed through with it. Then there’s the part where we see Ben Grimm as a little kid, and his older brother is beating him up, and he says “it’s clobberin’ time”. Like, really? We’re so far into the realm of dark and gritty-ness that the Thing’s classic catchphrase is used by an abusive family member as opposed to something he yells in battle? And then there’s the part where Victor Von Doom is being really morbid about something, and then Susan actually says “jeez, Doctor Doom over here”. Which not only is really stupid and forced and a total groaner, but actually doesn’t make sense. Because see originally in this movie they were gonna call him “Victor Domishcev”, or something, because Von Doom is a ridiculous comicbook name, so you can kind of see how that joke would have made sense, cause it’s like the first time anyone’s called him that. But then they went back and re-dubbed all the dialogue so that his name actually was Von Doom, but then they left that joke in. So she’s all “Doctor Doom over here” like that’s something she’s calling him because he was talking about doom and shit, but like, that’s his actual name. You’re just calling him his real name. That doesn’t make sense.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of Doctor Doom, let me point out that this is the SECOND onscreen version of the character that is A) not the dictator of his own country, B) does not wear any high tech armour, and C) has no magical or mystical abilities. Instead, this time he’s an angry teenager with vague green energy powers in a melted plastic face mask. Like, it looks so fucking stupid. It really does. Google it or something. But the explanation for it doesn’t even make any sense. Like they say that his spacesuit like fused with his body, but the spacesuit helmet was like a big helmet thing, with a little face whole, but then after the accident his face is like a perfectly carved out face shape, made of plastic, like over his real face? And also it’s all like rocky and glowing green in parts. Ugh, I can’t even. How do you fuck up Marvel’s most fearsome and badass villain this badly, let alone do it fucking TWICE? And speaking of things that are stupid and made of rock, the fucking Thing, man. First off, the CGI is bad and his voice is all wrong. God help me, I would have preferred Michael Chiklis in the rubber suit. But man, what really bums me out is that he walks around with no pants and you can see that he has no dick. Like, that sucks, right? I mean, I always imagined he had some sort of orange, rocky penis, but now we’re being forced to see that he’s a weird sexless genital-less thing with just a weird flat pubic mound. Like turning into an orange rock monster is one thing, but losing your dick? It’s just sad, and weird, and I can’t help but think about it every time I look at him. How does he go to the bathroom? Does he still have sexual urges? If he ends up getting together with Alisha Masters, how could they possibly have any sort of sex? Does he still identify as male? Do they ever talk about how fucked up it is that he lost his genitals? Goddamnit, I just wanna watch the Thing punch stuff and have cool catchphrases, I don’t want to have to think about his junk, or lack thereof. WHY THE FUCK COULDN’T THEY JUST GIVE HIM PANTS SO I WOULDN’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT???!!!! LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE OTHER FANTASTIC FOUR ANYTHING HAS DONE THAT FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS!!!!

So yes, this movie is a complete fucking mess, and is possibly even worse than the 2005 one? I don’t know, it’s hard to say, that movie’s pretty awful. I think the second one is a little better. Maybe the low budget Roger Corman one from the 90’s is the best one. It’s certainly the most fun to watch. But anyway, here are the few things I did like about this movie: the cast was pretty solid. I mean it’s hard to tell what their chemistry as a group is like since we don’t see it at all, but they’re all good actors who fit their characters well. The first 40 minutes or so, before they got their powers, was kind of interesting, and I actually thought the origin itself was handled pretty well, even though it was the version from the Ultimate comics and not the original one. There was also one scene right after they got their powers where Reed Richards is lying in a hospital bed all stretched out and he has to pull himself back together, and that was a pretty cool kind of creepy effect. Yep, that’s it. I guess better luck next time?

Overall Rating: blechh/10

Thoughts on the X-Men/Fantastic Four Crossover Movie: Time Travel, Dark Phoenix, and Universe Building

So Bryan Singer has talked about the possibility of a Fantastic Four/X-men teamup movie. A lot of people online have been bitching about how they would have to use time travel to get the current casts together. I actually think this kind of works, because if we’re continuing to move forward with this new younger cast from X-Men: Apocalypse, it would be considerably less convoluted if they just time jumped everyone to the present rather than continuing to set them in the past until eventually they catch up with the time period of the original X-Men movies. And it’s not like that kind of thing is unheard of. In fact, recently in the comics, the original teenage X-Men have been brought forward in time and are now living in the present. You could totally do the same thing on screen, especially since time travel already exist in this universe. This way we can also see a return of some of the younger characters like Kitty Pryde and Iceman, who you can’t put in movies set in the 80s. Anyway, for the plot of the actual FF/X-Men crossover (assuming that the new FF does well enough for this to actually happen, and that it’s good enough that we actually want to see these two casts meet), I think they should do the Dark Phoenix saga. I mean, it’s arguably the most iconic X-Men storyline of all time, and they totally botched it the first time. But now they have a new young Jean Grey and a totally rebooted timeline, and if you think about it it’s totally perfect. In the comics the Phoenix Force is a cosmic entity, and the Fantastic Four do nothing if not deal with cosmic entities. But beyond that, the thing really lacking from X-Men: The Last Stand’s take on the Phoenix was that it never really felt all that big. She was like a pawn of Magneto, and they said she was a “class 5 mutant”, and I guess she disintegrated a few dudes, but the Phoenix should feel like an epic world-ending force of destruction. Having it threaten the whole world to the point where the X-Men and FF have to team up to deal with it is the perfect way to establish that. And if we are going to see the Phoenix again, they have to do something different with it, and adding the FF to the mix is the perfect way to do that, too. Now, I don’t necessarily want to see a large interconnected Fantastic Four/X-Men universe from Fox, but it’s clear that it’s going to happen either way, so we might as well talk about it. And considering the recent hot streak of X-Men movies, and not yet having seen the new Fantastic Four, I’m kind of cautiously optimistic about the whole thing. I mean with Marvel’s light, witty, no real stakes feel, and DC’s dark, depressing grit, the fox universe might be a good realistic middle ground of massive comicbook franchise, and I will say that the three Bryan Singer X-Men are more interesting films than most of the MCU. Assuming everything goes well, a crossover movie with X-Men and the Fantastic Four dealing with the Dark Phoenix could be like the first major event movie in this new universe. Hell, you could even throw Deadpool in there for comic relief. This is probably way father in the future than anyone at fox has even thought about, and comicbook movies will probably hit their breaking point and fall out of popularity before any of this comes to fruition, but if it is going to happen, I think that’s the way you do it. And I for one would see the shit out of that movie, especially if you put Singer in the director’s chair.